It is strange to send a message this way, but it seems like the best way to do it. I want to say something, and I pray that the Spirit will guide my mind and my fingers as I type this to you--and to everyone reading.
I think you see me and you are intrigued by me and you want to change me. You think, maybe, that I am clinging to perfection and idealistic beliefs, and that maybe, if I could just go a little crazy, you could show me how and we could have fun going crazy together for a shared moment in time.
The thing is, the one I believe in is the one who makes me who I am. Without him, I shudder to think how different I would be. I would be less, not more. If there is any goodness or light in me, it is only because of him. And I must follow his ways because he is the only one I trust completely, even when his path is hard.
"Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him..."
You think, maybe, that I am not being realistic, that I want a pretty bow tied on life, and that you could be the one who enlightens me, who shows me life as it really is. There is nothing more than this life, so let's meet up and enjoy it together while we can! Let's eat, drink, and be merry, devil may care, because tomorrow we die?
But what if I know something you don't? A way that you have seen peeking at you behind bushes in mysterious gardens of the soul, but a way that has remained hidden and elusive to you? A garden path you sometimes think about going down, but one you barely believe exists anymore?
What if the reason I was put in your life is to hint at that path, to bring the scent of that home country to you? Maybe what you like about me...is Him? If you see me being kind, does it seem like there is something beyond that kindness, powering it and enabling it? In my strength do you see an empowerer, and do you see someone carrying me, even when I am not strong?
Do you want him to come and carry you for a while, too?
What if I am not the "fair sun" that your heart is searching for, but "the inconstant moon", a ball of dust that the sun is gracious enough to shine upon and lend its glory to and set in a place where you can see it? The moon is a reminder of the sun; it is the "faithful witness in the sky" (Psalm 89:37), but has no light source in itself. Its light is bestowed from another source.
If you see me as a light, could it be that that light is a lamp meant to lead you through your darkness and take you home, to the true source of life?
I know you may not want to believe what I am saying, but can I tell you that I already see the Imago Dei in you? Your kindness is like his, your love for people is a dusty reflection of His.
I am not the one you are looking for, though he is making me more and more like him all the time, graciously giving me an amazing new me as a gift.
I am not the one you are looking for.
But I want to be your sister. You matter to me. So I will keep on praying:
"Bring him home."