tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-66139526559128158492024-02-19T03:00:05.006-08:001 Slice of Apple PieOne American girl speaks.Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.comBlogger161125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-6822331109831587652022-02-15T19:24:00.032-08:002022-02-15T19:32:42.128-08:00Poems About Hidden Things<p></p><p><br /></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjSSly5tF6RjZ63ZIdlmVjnppAR0mOSTxbSku52Ksfq1Hpa3mUVG1OB2r365_fyrywPjc6ad-pm5CkckqytCwKyfQbObDF4bpW4B1GkUG1FSTKiX7Z2U7GqdzK5SkjaNVa6ZbpnLivyCufpcBCnsq4FxAKnYJ5S-TuXN5QpS-gWxTpJ7QvKfHdXMI5O8g=s4032" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="4032" data-original-width="3024" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/a/AVvXsEjSSly5tF6RjZ63ZIdlmVjnppAR0mOSTxbSku52Ksfq1Hpa3mUVG1OB2r365_fyrywPjc6ad-pm5CkckqytCwKyfQbObDF4bpW4B1GkUG1FSTKiX7Z2U7GqdzK5SkjaNVa6ZbpnLivyCufpcBCnsq4FxAKnYJ5S-TuXN5QpS-gWxTpJ7QvKfHdXMI5O8g=w480-h640" width="480" /></a></div><div>Poetry is a bit like acting (of which I'm mourning the loss): they're each an indirect way to share the depths of the soul. They are both art forms that feel extremely personal to the giver, but which are vague enough to allow for the safety of mystery. In acting and in poetry, you get me without totally getting me.</div><p></p><p>With that said, here are the depths of my soul disguised in two poems written this month. Maybe they'll reach across the divide and connect to some deeply personal part of you that is a mystery to me. </p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><b>2.10.22</b></p><p><br /></p><p>New things<br /><span> growing silently, invisibly,<br /></span><span> hidden away in me, <br /></span><span> even from my own view.</span><br /></p><p><span>The Maker, making new things,<br /><span> weaving true things,<br /></span><span> fresh as dew upon<br /></span><span> the grass hiding this grave,<br /></span><span> the grave of the rotting, sparkly <br /></span><span> old me that he's buried<br /></span><span> mercifully.</span><br /></span></p><p><span><span>Taking small steps, taking new steps, <br /><span> knowing less, leaning more<br /></span><span> on the giant of a Father<br /></span><span> who crafted stars and <br /></span><span> black holes and June bugs<br /></span><span> and mountains and<br /></span><span> melodies and silence</span><br /></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span> and me.</span><br /></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span>Who am I?</span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span> Only he knows.<br /></span><span> And he grows me<br /><span> from the soil <br /></span><span> where I'm buried.<br /></span><span> And he stirs up songs<br /></span><span> </span><span> I can't yet sing<br /></span><span> And he's telling a story<br /></span><span> <span> </span>I can't quite tell—<br /></span><span> </span><span> not yet.</span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span>Because it's his song, this new song<br /><span> and it's his plot<br /></span><span> unfolding before my eyes<br /></span><span> as I unfold before his eyes in<br /></span><span> a play untold before our lives<br /></span><span> were found in His.</span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span>A new thing,<br /><span> a true thing,<br /></span><span> stirring inside me<br /></span><span> like a pot that's at a simmer<br /></span><span> starting somewhere in the inner<br /></span><span> caverns of this soul of mine<br /></span><span> that's still a mystery to me.</span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span>Statues topple.<br />Faces crack.<br />Idols tumble to the ground,<br /><span> displaying what they lack.</span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span>I stand on rock.<br />It holds me upright,<br /><span> like a statue that's alive.<br /></span><span> Noble, dignified, but real.<br /></span><span> Singing a song that he's known<br /></span><span> </span><span> all along.</span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span>I hear a note, <br /><span> I follow him.<br /></span><span> Try out my voice,<br /></span><span> though the melody is dim.</span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span>I will be quiet with you.<br />I will enjoy the cocoon.<br />I will be thankful for your safety,<br /><span> for your healing,<br /></span><span> for stability.</span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span>But if you want this statue to<br /><span> dance, you move me, Lord.</span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span>If not, I'll enjoy the peace and <br /><span> the contentment of the "ordinary."</span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><span><br /></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></span></p><p><b>Morning / Mourning</b></p><p><br /></p><p>Next step<br />Board gives<br />Foot falls<br />Heart falls.</p><p><br /></p><p>Arm reaches<br />Dream recedes<br />Body falls<br />Into sadness.</p><p><br /></p><p>Trust lost<br />Gaze shifts<br />Heart questions.<br />New directions.</p><p><br /></p><p>Good directions<br />Something’s found<br />And still<br />Something’s lost.</p><p><br /></p><p>Sad<br />Sad<br />Sad<br />Sad</p><p><br /></p><p>Mad<br />Mad <br />Mad<br />SAD.</p><p><br /></p><p>Hidden inside<br />Underground lake<br />Lies beneath<br />Happy layers.</p><p><br /></p><p>Can’t pretend<br />All’s okay.<br />New structure<br />Crushes old</p><p><br /></p><p>Crushes me.<br />Being remade.<br />It’s good<br />But surgery</p><p>Is hard. </p><div><br /></div>Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-17126616268302901602021-11-13T17:42:00.002-08:002021-11-13T17:50:52.121-08:00Dear friends who've been hurt by a Christian,<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4oTVQPsCUQ9Gkj0um6wlXIjQyJP5oyiai0HSoqSMKdI9q1CgoelA5bqemFSALwESgfuqMlB4pWjoEdVkKRMQ8REtZBjS1CDY9IAGS_BtYyX3bSGVKUORiJBhwhroJwKemCvdnQ88eP6t3/s2048/IMG-4663.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1536" data-original-width="2048" height="300" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi4oTVQPsCUQ9Gkj0um6wlXIjQyJP5oyiai0HSoqSMKdI9q1CgoelA5bqemFSALwESgfuqMlB4pWjoEdVkKRMQ8REtZBjS1CDY9IAGS_BtYyX3bSGVKUORiJBhwhroJwKemCvdnQ88eP6t3/w400-h300/IMG-4663.JPG" width="400" /></a></div>I've tried to be less "social" on social media lately, and online in general. I've wanted to go back to living a more private private life. But something's been on my mind and heart and soul lately and I want to share it because maybe it could help someone.<p></p><p>I wanted to share that, although I have been a Christian my whole life, and one who has never walked away from those beliefs, I have been dealing for a long time with hurt I experienced in the Church. I have friends I care deeply about who have walked away from the whole thing because of experiences like that, and I guess I just want to share a hint of my own story to let you know that I get what it's like to feel deeply shaken and confused.</p><p>There's pain that's stayed with me for years and years, shaping my self-image and the way I go through life. But only recently, after listening to <i>The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill</i> podcast series and another podcast, and after reading a big chunk of the book <i>Escaping the Maze of Spiritual Abuse</i>, and after talking to someone who had an outside perspective on my situation, was I finally able to call a spade a spade. </p><p>I had known for years, decades, that I had been deeply hurt. I had known that this hurt had affected me and was hard to shake. I had walked through the process of forgiveness even, but I was still very confused. But somehow, hearing my own story in the stories of other people, the confusion finally started to lift as I was able to say, "What they did was wrong." Those five words took me over half my life to say. And I think God may have used them to set me free.</p><p><br /></p><p>Free from thinking I must have brought this on myself.</p><p>Free from thinking that I am unable to accurately perceive reality.</p><p>Free from believing that a person, no matter how charismatic, could be as perfect and wise as God, or stand in his place.</p><p>Free to believe God asks me to confess sin in order to pardon and heal me, not crush me.</p><p><br /></p><p>I am intentionally staying away from details and context here. But this post has been on my mind, and I thought that being able to get these words out to other people who have been hurt was more important than staying private.</p><p>Here I may be too bold. But I would encourage you, friend: Please try to seek out the difference between people and God. Please don't throw the baby out with the bathwater. There is One perfect one and he is also perfect love and he is "close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit" (Psalm 34:18). He is gentle and kind. As a friend of mine said, "He is sweet." </p><p>He cares. </p><p>He cares. </p><p>No, he really cares.</p><p><br /></p><p>Wishing you peace, </p><p>Elizabeth</p><p><br /></p>Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-75558769698883371412021-10-25T19:18:00.007-07:002021-10-25T19:22:00.759-07:00poem 10.25.21<p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhkJVfhRUyVkd-xMWb2TBEAT0d2vnqRDBdpH8bLH0GZ8ljAYLii9t5WFjudf9UZ1n4dDT7w1B9iWUCJ0hKIjkoKcBgezuu9l1hREguFvxlvqEhyEgc_97ONqYm3UOfTRJbHbO2jW198hPs/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhhkJVfhRUyVkd-xMWb2TBEAT0d2vnqRDBdpH8bLH0GZ8ljAYLii9t5WFjudf9UZ1n4dDT7w1B9iWUCJ0hKIjkoKcBgezuu9l1hREguFvxlvqEhyEgc_97ONqYm3UOfTRJbHbO2jW198hPs/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikMMMTCJzq4fL03uAhR99bGfbLpdG0niqKcYc2OvZ2sBpBmtv-q1YhoC1gkrJWFElldS5yiJER5G1Rm3UP01wsGBhzlV07hK_CocF855803sAbANYud5zFs_sxoGaPU0IOV5DCxSpF-EhO/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="float: left;"><tbody><tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhznjSP_Se9xxCVwNgetN_51YCtRXZiL02sAzvmu0_ys-vNEwofTdT9Kpdt5cyk09jtKrMSsxEMidoCddcTakEdihsjT3P5C8FGlXqTex4QYERp8zRSDhgecqSrqtgm1MpGDXTBHrXxBiAq/" style="clear: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img alt="" data-original-height="1365" data-original-width="2048" height="426" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhznjSP_Se9xxCVwNgetN_51YCtRXZiL02sAzvmu0_ys-vNEwofTdT9Kpdt5cyk09jtKrMSsxEMidoCddcTakEdihsjT3P5C8FGlXqTex4QYERp8zRSDhgecqSrqtgm1MpGDXTBHrXxBiAq/w640-h426/Suelzles+Visit+Texas+June+2019+-+2.jpg" width="640" /></a></td></tr><tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">my sister creating</td></tr></tbody></table><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEikMMMTCJzq4fL03uAhR99bGfbLpdG0niqKcYc2OvZ2sBpBmtv-q1YhoC1gkrJWFElldS5yiJER5G1Rm3UP01wsGBhzlV07hK_CocF855803sAbANYud5zFs_sxoGaPU0IOV5DCxSpF-EhO/" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a></div></div></div><p><br /></p><p>The pull to create,<br /> to form something out of <br /> something out of nothing,<br />like a star hanging in the dark,<br /> needing to shine.</p><p><br /></p><p>A burst of light,<br /> an eager melody starting,<br /> hands forming sonic beauty,<br /> lips speaking word sculptures--<br /> the expression of<br /> the expression of the Artist.</p><p><br /></p><p>Opening blind eyes,<br /> swinging wide barred gates,<br /> leaning down low to whisper<br /> peace,<br /> The Maker sculpting<br /> justice out of sorrow,<br /> expanse out of restriction,<br /> life out of death--</p><p>The Master forming something out of nothing.</p><p><br /></p><p>A charge: create as you were created.</p>Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-51516494332691426852021-04-08T09:37:00.001-07:002021-04-08T09:47:35.980-07:00On Uncertain Times, In No Uncertain Terms<p>I haven't posted since a year ago. <br />When you're being formed, sometimes words take time to form. </p><p><br /></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Durice91rvvq6RJyZFRno-bOV2xK5TEOsuBuwl9Yuw0Y6-lrLBr1ZEdjeDb3rJkQOSptuoU26I6MFG7eSSV_PgAMuyY7PQ11vLQQ_8DVLtElAyPbIYNpUM3aZBevKgWKG1K8_oiEKxF0/" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img alt="" data-original-height="2048" data-original-width="2047" height="410" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj4Durice91rvvq6RJyZFRno-bOV2xK5TEOsuBuwl9Yuw0Y6-lrLBr1ZEdjeDb3rJkQOSptuoU26I6MFG7eSSV_PgAMuyY7PQ11vLQQ_8DVLtElAyPbIYNpUM3aZBevKgWKG1K8_oiEKxF0/w410-h410/IMG_E8474.JPG" width="410" /></a></div><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p><br /></p><p>I don't know what I'm doing</p><p></p><p>or what I'm becoming.</p><p>I can't see what's ahead</p><p>more than two steps.</p><p>Sometimes I feel like a failure</p><p>even in the midst of success.</p><p>I've been up.</p><p>I've been down.</p><p>I've been pressed </p><p>until I must change </p><p>to survive.</p><p>But I've seen hints</p><p>of a beautiful form</p><p>and I know I'm becoming</p><p>something more.</p><p>So I surrender to </p><p>the hands that craft me,</p><p>the eyes that see me,</p><p>the mind that designs me </p><p>intentionally.</p><p>Because I never was the potter.</p><p>I always was the clay.</p><p><br /></p>Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-54048825783506963462020-04-08T15:19:00.003-07:002020-04-08T16:16:41.072-07:00Actor Poem<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I shared this with a couple of fellow Jesus-loving actor friends last night. It led to confession of sins, new eyes for forgiveness through Jesus, comfort and joy, and another chance to realize just how merciful God is that he keeps giving me work to do even when he knows I’m going to bring both good and evil into it. And even when I forget that he is all I need.<br />
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<br />
Actor Poem<br />
<br />
Can’t somebody love me?<br />
Can’t somebody stay<br />
When the sets are struck down<br />
And the scripts put away?<br />
<br />
I gave you my heart<br />
Threw it out of my chest<br />
I cried on command<br />
And it wasn’t in jest.<br />
<br />
This mask that I wear<br />
Is more like a graft<br />
Made from pieces of me—<br />
It’s my soul made you laugh,<br />
<br />
Made you cry, made you think,<br />
But sometimes I wonder<br />
If this gift costs too much<br />
For the pain it uncovers.<br />
<br />
I stand on this stage<br />
And I live in a story—<br />
Fall in love, lose a child—<br />
Here there’s pain and there’s glory.<br />
<br />
Here I feel more alive<br />
Than on regular days<br />
But I’m hyper-alive—<br />
Watch my heart as it frays.<br />
<br />
Once the clapping is done,<br />
Will you stay? Will you hold me?<br />
I’ve given my fiercest<br />
But I’m still the old me.<br />
<br />
In this mask is a kid<br />
And she just wants to know<br />
That you’ll love her and listen<br />
Long after the show.<br />
<br />
When my dialogue’s stale<br />
And I’m sad way too long,<br />
Will you still stick around,<br />
Can I still sing you songs?<br />
<br />
Do I have to audition,<br />
Will you like what you see<br />
When I step off the stage<br />
And again become...<br />
ME?<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-84620919053379222712020-03-24T05:17:00.001-07:002020-03-24T13:06:01.374-07:00Shelter in Place<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="font-kerning: none;">I woke up with anxiety--with my mind getting thrown around and weighted down. My friends are struggling with or struggling for work. I am trying to be a good mom and a good wife and a good friend and a good citizen and a good teacher who is now an online teacher, all from home.</span><br />
<br />
I couldn't stop my brain, so I got up, went downstairs, read the Bible and then stretched. In the same way I enjoy the catharsis of acting--the outlet for channeling all of those deep human emotions we all feel and some of us express through art--my stretching this morning became a prayer, a way to take the turmoil just out of my head and push it through my veins and muscles and breath and out to my Savior.<br />
<br />
Then I noticed the first light of the sun stealing away the darkness outside, and I heard the first chirping birds of the morning oblivious to human struggles, boldly interrupting the heavy silence. I was reminded that my word of the year between God and me is "faithful." Partly, God's using that word to shape me into a more faithful person. This morning, I sensed the invitation to rest in a faithful God.<br />
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Yes, it's dark out there. But His story ends with a sunrise.</div>
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-59437695963264349872020-02-19T20:02:00.000-08:002020-02-19T20:14:17.607-08:00But Not Crushed<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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"For the first time in my life I've stopped thinking of myself as a child imitating an adult."<br />
"You feel that way, too?"<br />
-<i>While We're Young</i>, screenplay by Noah Baumbach<br />
<br />
<br />
I'm in need of therapy, so I'll write.<br />
<br />
On paper, 2020 looks incredibly exciting. But let me get real with y'all: I'm terrified. Every day lately feels like one more labored step up a mountain with an unknown pinnacle. And my sherpa never told me where we're headed. I don't know how far away it is or if I'm on the right path.<br />
<br />
I wrote a book. It's about to be published and there are loving people in my life asking me about that, expressing their excitement. But I'm at a loss for how to respond. Right now, Friday, March 6 feels 30% like this big, exciting milestone and 70% like a day I'm scheduled for major surgery. My heart's on the page in this thing. I intentionally chose to be vulnerable for the sake of both myself and the readers.<br />
<br />
But I also know the world is full of both kind and unkind remarks. I've never been good with that second category. The same sensitivity I harness on the page and on stage also ensures I feel whatever comes my way. I think I'm about to feel a lot of different things.<br />
<br />
The book is just one of several big, new projects that leave me feeling like a girl cut into eleven pieces and thrown up into the air. No, not a girl--a woman. 2020 is the first year I've said out loud to myself, "I am an adult." I pronounced those words over myself in the car a week or two ago, on the way to pick up my son from school. You'd think that moment would have come sooner, but it hadn't. Not until now.<br />
<br />
Now--when I walk onto a high school campus and realize I'm one of the teachers.<br />
Now--when I'm learning firsthand just how much it takes to make a theatre show happen.<br />
Now--when my last grandparent just got sung to heaven.<br />
<br />
Now has me reeling. Now demands dependence. Because I sure don't feel like the adult in the room.<br />
<br />
Please, Jesus, I'm clinging to your pants leg.<br />
Can you hold me?<br />
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2 Corinthians 4:7-9</div>
Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-7166941977428346752019-12-25T20:25:00.002-08:002019-12-25T22:15:49.547-08:00Merry Christmas, Mary Bailey. (Lessons from It's a Wonderful Life)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Me with Robert Berry (Clarence, etc.) <br />
and David Jarrott (Mr. Potter, etc.)</td></tr>
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My little sister's name is Mary, so I was often called "Mary" growing up. Getting to play Mary Bailey in Penfold Theatre Company's <i>It's a Wonderful Life Classic Radiocast</i> here in Austin this Christmas season, people started calling me "Mary" again. I didn't mind it as a kid, and I didn't mind it this time around, either. I am happy to be confused with either of these Marys.<br />
<br />
If you're familiar with acting at all, you may know about what some people call "post-show depression"--the difficult process of letting go of a show and a character when a production's run is over. Maybe it makes me a theatre geek, but I write a blog post for pretty much every show I'm in. It helps me to process the profound experience of taking on a character (or eight) and a story. Similar to when someone dies in a great novel you're reading, it's hard to know how to mourn a fictional character or a fictional world.<br />
<br />
Here's my attempt.<br />
<br />
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<br />
Dear Mary Hatch Bailey,<br />
<br />
<br />
I want to thank you so profoundly for letting me represent you on stage for the last month, and for letting me try to see the world from your perspective since August. You're a great gal to hang out with. You've taught me so much.<br />
<br />
Inhabiting you, my reflexes were trained to keep a clearer head under stress, to be more patient and gracious when the opposite would've been much easier. How did you wait so long for this man you knew you wanted to marry? You must have been only eight years old when you leaned over Mr. Gower's drug store counter and whispered, "George Bailey, I'm gonna love you 'til the day I die."<br />
<br />
Which means it was another ten years before you two fell in love while singing, "Buffalo Gals" and breaking windows at the old Granville House, where you wished to make a home with George--who didn't realize he wanted to make a home with you until another four years after <i>that</i>.<br />
<br />
George has more words in the script, but your power often comes through speeches made in silence, with a patient heart expecting the good things that come to those who wait.<br />
<br />
I love your generosity. You're willing to jump in and sacrifice your time, your resources, and your $2,000* because you see a need.<br />
<br />
I love the way you use humor to comfort and encourage--how, when George comes home distraught and asks you why you married a broken-down guy like him, you quip, "To keep from being an old maid."<br />
<br />
I love your style. I mean, I'm not gonna lie. You 40s gals really had something going on.<br />
<br />
I love your love--for George, for Petey, Janie, Tommy, and Zuzu, for Uncle Billy, for the Martinis, for everyone who comes across your path. It seems that love is just your way of life.<br />
<br />
To play you on stage, I've been asking myself for four months, "What would Mary Bailey do?" And I think it's sculpted me a little bit more into someone who looks like Jesus, too.<br />
<br />
Hey, Mary, you're swell. It's been such a privilege.<br />
<br />
<br />
Your grateful ambassador and friend,<br />
Elizabeth Boerger Bernhardt<br />
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*$2,000 in 1932 equals $34,415.48 in 2019.<br />
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-78688004946289134622019-11-20T10:24:00.000-08:002019-11-20T10:30:03.848-08:00One Year Closer to Him<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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"A pack of blessings light upon thy back,<br />
Happiness courts thee in her best array."<br />
-Friar Lawrence, Shakespeare's <i>Romeo & Juliet</i><br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
This birthday, I want to say that I like where I'm at.<br />
<br />
I have God to thank for that, plus a whole network of friends, family, mentors, authors, teachers, directors, and fellow strugglers he's used as his ears, eyes, and heart in my life. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes seven to raise a woman. And my community keeps raising me back up as I learn to reach back out and raise them up, too.<br />
<br />
A year ago, I was much more confused about myself than I am now. I've learned to see the fear that has had such a loud voice in my life. I'm learning to bring that fear to Jesus. And in response, he's showing me just how tender and sweet and intimately connected to me he wants to be.<br />
<br />
I recently got very vulnerable with a couple of actor friends--way more than I'd planned to be. Wow, was it painful. Wow, was it good. One of the many things I revealed to them about my insides was that I'm like a girl walking around without skin. I yearn to connect with everyone and everything around me, and I'm also exquisitely sensitive. I told them that if they see me with my hands over my heart in rehearsal, it's because my heart feels like it needs to be held.<br />
<br />
What I didn't tell them was the most important part of that heart holding. When I have my hands pressed against my chest, attempting to keep my tender heart from falling out of its protective cage, Jesus lets me know that <i>he</i> is holding my heart.<br />
<br />
I told these actor friends that my sensitivity seems to be both my greatest asset and my greatest struggle. One of them asked with kind curiosity what made it an asset. I said that, because my heart is so out there, it invites other people's hearts to come forward, too. Reflecting on his question, I see that, even more importantly, my sensitive, tender heart is sensitive to God's tender heart.<br />
<br />
Jesus is the best thing I know. I want that to be public. I also want to say publicly that you don't have to agree to be my friend. Love is stringless. But I won't stop talking about God. What kind of friend doesn't share good things with their friends?<br />
<br />
It's becoming clearer and clearer that he is the one thing I can't lose and the most precious treasure I have. I'm seeing that everything that's good about the here and now on this planet is good with <i>his</i> goodness. I'm tasting the richness and power of the narrow but abundant path he invites us all to. I'm passionate about the work I'm doing and I'm actually starting to find my footing after many years skidding on stones.<br />
<br />
And at the same time, I know I'm not home yet. I'm a citizen of an unknown, mysteriously gorgeous kingdom. I'm immensely grateful for this last year's chapter, but I also know the happy ending is still ahead.<br />
<br />
So, on my birthday, as on many days lately, I'm telling God,<br />
<br />
"One day closer to you."<br />
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-74825385969453021712019-09-09T18:55:00.000-07:002019-09-09T18:55:30.090-07:00Roots: The Secret Joy of Staying for Awhile<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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Last week, our son went to his grandparent's house and we went to California. Chris had a conference in Monterey and I tagged along. I got all kinds of "me" time, time away from Texas's 100-degree fake fall, time to explore wherever I wanted.<br />
<br />
On the last day of our trip, I drove the rental car to Carmel-by-the-Sea. I read Jane Austen at a coffee shop and then drove down to the beach, walked in bare feet across the sand, took photos of a house designed by Frank Lloyd Wright, and gazed at the rhythmically crashing surf. On paper, it was the perfect Elizabeth morning. But I stood on that beach, looked around me, and thought, "I know logically that this is gorgeous. So why don't I feel joy?" Something was off. And then a realization dawned.<br />
<br />
I think of myself as such an unattached traveler, an independent spirit. But there I was--homesick.<br />
<br />
Permanence. It's something we haven't known much of. 2 years, 9 months, and 28 days: That was our previous record for length of time spent living in one place during our marriage. We beat that record this year on April 2, making Austin the most permanent home Team Bernhardt has ever known. (It took me about half an hour of photo and calendar research to complete those calculations. You're welcome.)<br />
<br />
As I've written about in previous posts (like <a href="http://1sliceapplepie.blogspot.com/2011/07/poem-21710-944pm.html" target="_blank">here</a>, <a href="http://1sliceapplepie.blogspot.com/2013/05/another-goodbye-another-hello.html" target="_blank">here</a>, <a href="http://1sliceapplepie.blogspot.com/2013/08/the-down-and-upside-of-being-nomad.html" target="_blank">here</a>, and <a href="http://1sliceapplepie.blogspot.com/2016/04/to-everyone-who-has-ever-said-goodbye.html" target="_blank">here</a>), the upshot of a nomadic lifestyle has been the chance to immerse ourselves in different cultures and to meet all sorts of different people otherwise unconnected to one another. The downside has always been loneliness and the feeling of shallow roots.<br />
<br />
I'm the daughter of a travel agent whose email signature quote reads, "The world is a book, and those who do not travel read only one page." I dreamed of studying abroad--and then I did. I dreamed of being an overseas missionary--and then I was. A high school teacher gave me an inspirational talking to about how I was different from the other girls, how I would go see the world--and I listened to him.<br />
<br />
Roots just weren't my priority. I wanted excitement. I felt like I needed it. I thought that to be committed to a routine meant to be stuck in a rut. Thinking of roots, I felt claustrophobic.<br />
<br />
But three years ago, I moved back home. Three years ago, I became a stay-at-home mom. Three years ago, I returned to my home church, where it can still be more effective to introduce myself as "Mark and Carol's daughter" than as Elizabeth Bernhardt.<br />
<br />
And it turns out that the daily rhythms of making meals, mothering my son, loving my husband, walking down the familiar grocery store aisle, and getting my work done have built the stable ground I never seemed to find as a nomad. They're healing me with the comforting embrace of predictability.<br />
<br />
We call them the "normal" things: the daily hello-saying, the text conversations with other moms, the local events I make plans for with local friends. But there's nothing normal about them. They are rich. Relationships matter deeply, and this is how they build. Each encounter is like a brick that is added to a house that is becoming my home, grounding me in a place and with its people.<br />
<br />
Yes, I'm a romantic. I'm an artist. I'm a traveler. I'm an out-of-the-box thinker. All of those things are true. But it turns out that flowing water takes shape inside a solid container.<br />
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I still love my wings. But I'm also beginning to believe in roots.<br />
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-39170253951592861062019-04-20T21:29:00.000-07:002019-12-25T20:27:42.015-08:00Sword to the Soul (Lessons from Godspell)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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"For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart."<br />
-Hebrews 4:12 (NIV)<br />
<br />
"Bless the Lord, all his works<br />
in all places of his dominion:<br />
bless the Lord, O my soul."<br />
-Psalm 103:22 (KJV)<br />
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<br />
Tomorrow night, Easter Sunday, we close <i>Godspell. </i>For the last seven weeks, I have been working with the Trinity Street Players at First Baptist Church in downtown Austin to bring this 70s musical classic to the stage. After being a part of <i>Godspell</i> in Tulsa, I had hoped to be able to perform in it again, and I am so glad that that opportunity opened up. And tomorrow morning, I get to sing my heart out in the song "Bless the Lord" for First Baptist's Easter service.<br />
<br />
I had fun at the performance tonight, and I don't just mean the happy kind of fun. Better: the rich kind of fun. I remember, as an undergrad at Texas A&M, going to a chapel service in which the preacher talked about how life is hard--and about how it is the hard that makes it rich.<br />
<br />
And one of the richest moments of tonight's show for me was when my new friend, Josh, playing Jesus, was being taken to the cross, and all of us disciples were crying out to him. There was this moment where Josh's eyes locked with mine and he was saying his lines--my Jesus's actual words--about his death, and there were tears in his eyes and I was yelling out for him to stop the guards, to make it stop, to please not leave us alone.<br />
<br />
And at that moment, as in many moments of this show, I got a better understanding of how frickin' much we need this sweet Jesus, and how crazy in love with us all he is.<br />
<br />
It has been so rich to observe Lent and Holy Week by being a part of this show, acting out the parables, the last supper, the crucifixion, and the resurrection night after night. Maybe God is just being sweet to me because he knows how much he can reach my heart if I can act something out and have people act it out with me.<br />
<br />
This show has been showing me my sin. It is crazy how easy it is to act out all of the bad guys in the parables, how easy it is to act like an immature kid, how easy it is to whine and complain and put people down in silly and not-so-silly ways in this role. It just bubbles right up out of me.<br />
<br />
And this show has been showing me my savior. And even though I know that it is an actor playing the character of Jesus and not actually Jesus himself, both times I have been in <i>Godspell</i>, it is as though God has decided to show me himself in a special way as his words are spoken and embodied by a living being walking around on stage with me.<br />
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Having grown up in the church, I have read and heard Jesus's words so many times, and have spent so much time digging into their meaning. But when I can see and hear God's words being acted out by a fellow human being, I process them in a different way. They feel like my Grandma's kitchen and my sister's laugh and my parent's living room and like a best friend forever and like the best and most mighty king there ever was. Maybe that's why God decided to come in the flesh--because words alone couldn't reach us. We needed the Word himself, humbling himself to be one of us, the Divine-with-skin who sticks closer than a brother.<br />
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Today is what I am calling in my head Waiting Saturday. Between the cross and the resurrection, there was Jesus's little tribe, feeling like orphans.<br />
<br />
I had a conversation with my 4-year-old son this week to prepare him for when he comes to see the show. I told him that he might see Mommy crying and then asked him, "But is it real? Or pretend?" "Pretend," he answered. (We have had these talks before.) And then he asked me, "So are you playing Mary?" What an amazing question! I explained to him that no, most of the disciples in <i>Godspell</i> aren't the same ones as in the Bible.<br />
<br />
But my son's question inspired the way I decided to play the mourning scene at the foot of the cross. As "Jesus" is singing, "Oh, God, I'm bleeding," I find myself remembering the blessing that Simeon spoke over the baby Jesus to his mother, Mary: "And a sword will pierce your own soul too" (Luke 2:35b). The feeling I get, in character, hunched over on that brick ledge, is that my heart needs more armor, that it is falling out of my too-thin skin, and being cut in two. I find myself holding my arms over my chest, trying to keep my heart in place.<br />
<br />
That scene has gotten me thinking about what it must have been like on that Friday, how the one who had become the sun to their satellite hearts was being destroyed. Their orbits must have been spinning out of control. I bet they were desperate for something to stabilize them.<br />
<br />
And then there was evening and there was mourning: the first day.<br />
And then there was evening and there was mourning: the second day.<br />
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And then the Son rose again.<br />
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-17235748218247024892018-12-25T21:56:00.001-08:002018-12-26T04:57:34.526-08:00Haunting Mercy (Lessons From A Christmas Carol)<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<span style="color: #001320; text-align: justify;">"Come, let us return to the LORD. He has torn us to pieces but he will heal us; he has injured us but he will bind up our wounds.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;">-Hosea 6:1</span><br />
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This year, I have read Charles Dickens's <i>A Christmas Carol</i>, I have watched a movie about how Dickens created <i>A Christmas Carol</i>, I spent this Christmas Day evening watching Austin's Zach Theatre's <i>A Christmas Carol</i>, and for the fourth time in my life, I have spent several months immersing myself in Dickens's tale as an actor--this time playing not one, not two, but eight of the characters in the story.<br />
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And you would think I would have had enough. But I haven't.<br />
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There are three performances of Penfold Theatre Company's <i>A Christmas Carol Classic Radiocast</i> left to unfold, three more times this season for me to embody The Ghost of Christmas Past, Tiny Tim, Scrooge's niece, Belle, the charwoman, Belinda Cratchit, and a couple of lovable street urchins, and I will leave this experience feeling both sad and grateful. <br />
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I have looked across the stage and seen, on the face of my cast mate Clint, the beautiful sadness of a kind man witnessing unkindness and mourning for it. His Bob Cratchit has reminded me that empathy makes a powerful statement, silent though it be. I have seen the heart of a guardian in Julia's charity worker and Ghost of Christmas Present and felt how good strength can be when wielded in love, power bending low to serve the weak.<br />
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When Bobby and I stand together, center stage, as scrooge's nephew and niece, filling the theatre with their contagious good humor, catching each other's laughter like a sickness in reverse, I cannot help but feel my soul expanding with the spacious quality of joy. And as I travel along with Robert, our lead, living out Ebenezer Scrooge's unlikely and miraculous transformation, I am reminded of how much in need of redemption I am myself, and how sufficient God in his "merciful heaven" is to the task.<br />
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Because there are only five of us in this show, and because we are on stage for the duration of the play, Dickens's words have sunk into me deeper and deeper, and I have seen that God's power to mold us often "lies in words and looks; in things so slight and insignificant that it is impossible to add and count 'em up . . ."<br />
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Also, this play has been a call to action. As I have watched Marley's ghost grieve the fact that he must walk the earth, visiting the places of sorrow where he is now powerless to intervene, I have felt the urgency of the present moment. When Scrooge tries to remind Marley that he was "always a good man of business," and Marley cries, "Business! Mankind was my business," I am awakened to the fact that I am alive: When I say words, people hear me. When I give someone a hug, they feel the embrace. When I choose to be kind, it changes someone's life for the better.<br />
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What power the living have. And I am one of them.<br />
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And I have seen that beneath the playwright's talent and the acting technique and the powerful visual elements, there is God. He is the "founder of the feast indeed." I feel his love in the tenderness of the Ghost of Christmas Past, the hearty relevance of the Ghost of Christmas Present, and the severe mercy of the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come. Just as Dickens's trio of spirits knew that without regret over the past and fear of a lonely death, Scrooge could not choose the loving life he was made for, so in this "ghost story of Christmastime," I am reminded that what can look to us like God's vengeful anger may actually be the pursuit of our one true Love.<br />
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The baby who was born in Bethlehem is the same Jesus who did not leave his followers as orphans, but sent his Spirit to be with them. And I can't help but think about the Holy Spirit when I hear Dickens's words describing the Ghost of Christmas Present:<br />
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"<span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: 16px;">Much they saw, and far they went, and many homes they visited, but always with a happy end. The Spirit stood beside sick beds, and they were cheerful; on foreign lands, and they were close at home; by struggling men, and they were patient in their greater hope; by poverty, and it was rich. In almshouse, hospital, and jail, in misery’s every refuge, where vain man in his little brief authority had not made fast the door, and barred the Spirit out, he left his blessing . . ."</span><br />
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<span style="background-color: white; text-align: justify; text-indent: 16px;">May we let him in.</span><br />
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-1295029224144628892018-09-26T20:21:00.004-07:002018-09-26T20:21:58.071-07:00On Trying to Accept Reality<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1YxP1F7xotjxOFbH1iKbZW-MRdOI4sJstdIKs-M0qdc8sulT54fFRfaVBhr2khRdXWYTLCLloRNZ-3fygJPIm4ko9vvYrkNj5GkOvxqQmcitz67hwcEZiFAv7VK77PaivOuzS-9aQ-OL5/s1600/42295292_10155964211483460_4179355022728888320_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1YxP1F7xotjxOFbH1iKbZW-MRdOI4sJstdIKs-M0qdc8sulT54fFRfaVBhr2khRdXWYTLCLloRNZ-3fygJPIm4ko9vvYrkNj5GkOvxqQmcitz67hwcEZiFAv7VK77PaivOuzS-9aQ-OL5/s320/42295292_10155964211483460_4179355022728888320_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
"Self-denial is a beautiful thing."<br />
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I said this tonight to a friend who came over for tea. Really, only I drank tea. She drank water from the red-topped water bottle she always has in hand.<br />
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"Self-denial is a beautiful thing," she echoed, wholeheartedly agreeing. But of course, neither of us really agreed with ourselves or with each other. We laughed. I think maybe we both needed that laugh.<br />
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But let me tell you: when you feel like you are in the middle of . . . everything, when you feel like the romanticized beginnings of everything about your life are starting to dissolve and the grit and the dirt of who you really are and what the world really is are coming into focus, and you are trying to trust Jesus and you want the gospel to become real to you, but mostly you just feel like you are getting clear on the sin and fallenness aspects of it--well, then, my friend, self-denial sounds like a beautiful thing.<br />
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And I don't mean self-denial like that of the "deny yourself and take up your cross" variety. I mean the pretending that you actually are the perfect, unspoiled creature you always hoped you were variety of self-denial. The kind of self-denial that convinces you, on the days when you feel like your hair looks good and your confidence is up, that you actually can make all of your dreams come true, and that they are actually all good dreams to dream. That kind of self-denial.<br />
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I once sat in a counselor's office in midtown Manhattan and on a piece of white butcher paper--stop me if you have already heard this story--on a piece of white butcher paper, she drew what looked like the outline of a gingerbread man. And then around that gingerbread man, she drew the outline of another, and then she added a third gingerbread man outline around that second one.<br />
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She finished drawing and then pointed to the inner ginger-guy and told me, "This is the real Elizabeth." And then, motioning towards the outer ginger-men, she said, "These are the layers you have built around the real Elizabeth."<br />
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Lately, I have been trying to shed some of those layers. And I thought that once that happened, it might feel cathartic and freeing. But really, right now, it mostly looks ugly to me.<br />
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I thought I was better than this.<br />
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I thought the world and people, in general, were better than this. But then, I guess that's not really the gospel.<br />
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In Christian circles, when we say "the gospel," we mean the "good news." And what we mean by that is the good news that Jesus came to save us from our sins, so that, "whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (see John 3:16).<br />
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But before you can even realize that that is good news, it probably helps to understand that Jesus was needed in the first place, that the world was in such a desperate state that the Supreme Being had to get slaughtered to rescue it. In our quest to be positive and likable and encouraging, maybe we gloss over that part of the story sometimes. Or maybe we gloss over that part of the story because it is the hardest to stomach. I certainly don't want to walk around having to think of myself as "depraved" or "fallen" or "desperately wicked".<br />
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It turns out that it is hard to really look yourself in the eyes.<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span class="text 2Cor-4-16" id="en-NIV-28876" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;">"Therefore we do not lose heart.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28876AK" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28876AK" title="See cross-reference AK">AK</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28876AL" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28876AL" title="See cross-reference AL">AL</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> we are being renewed<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28876AM" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28876AM" title="See cross-reference AM">AM</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> day by day. </span><span class="text 2Cor-4-17" id="en-NIV-28877" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;">For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28877AN" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28877AN" title="See cross-reference AN">AN</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span></span><span style="background-color: white;"> </span><span class="text 2Cor-4-18" id="en-NIV-28878" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;">So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen,<span class="crossreference" data-cr="#cen-NIV-28878AO" data-link="(<a href="#cen-NIV-28878AO" title="See cross-reference AO">AO</a>)" style="box-sizing: border-box; line-height: 22px; position: relative; top: 0px; vertical-align: top;"></span> since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."</span></span></div>
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<span class="text 2Cor-4-18" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;"><span style="font-family: inherit;">-2 Corinthians 4:16-18</span></span></div>
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-43906370809090199392018-07-16T09:13:00.002-07:002018-07-16T09:13:56.287-07:00Pre-Order Your Copy of My New Book!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy7j6g91e9S15sEklS6V7htC9tE1MBhQIh0wGf_up1K-Y9z3JbbIRkip2F4AXZNXXHU5pQ-ZeDdXpRL946OOx2zJ-um8COIojMk7B-s_ejYNM_PAyxKbYwGQ1a3f_kRfylhUAunprUxrMF/s1600/book+cover.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="480" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjy7j6g91e9S15sEklS6V7htC9tE1MBhQIh0wGf_up1K-Y9z3JbbIRkip2F4AXZNXXHU5pQ-ZeDdXpRL946OOx2zJ-um8COIojMk7B-s_ejYNM_PAyxKbYwGQ1a3f_kRfylhUAunprUxrMF/s320/book+cover.jpg" width="213" /></a></div>
A few months ago, I <a href="https://1sliceapplepie.blogspot.com/2018/02/the-book-im-writing-you-can-help.html" target="_blank">posted</a> about the book I've been working on. It's called <i>The Power of Pretend: How on Earth Can You Be a Christian </i>and <i>an Actor?</i><br />
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You can now read a sample chapter of the book, pre-order your very own copy, and help this thing get published!<br />
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At 750 pre-orders, Inkshares will publish the book, and I would love to get this out and get the conversation going about how Jesus and the performing arts can go together.<br />
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Visit this link:<br />
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<a href="https://www.inkshares.com/books/the-power-of-pretend">https://www.inkshares.com/books/the-power-of-pretend</a><br />
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And if you know of anyone else who is . . .<br />
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<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>an actor</li>
<li>an artist of any kind</li>
<li>the friend or family member of an actor</li>
<li>a Christian who wants to unite their faith with their work</li>
<li>someone who is maybe longing for Jesus without realizing it</li>
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. . . please share this information with them, too!</div>
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Thank you so very much in advance for your prayers, your interest, and your help in making this book possible.</div>
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-56762513076722835152018-02-22T18:37:00.001-08:002018-02-26T07:44:44.073-08:00The Book I'm Writing: You Can Help!<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
This week, I finished the first draft of the book I have been working on for the last couple of years. The working title is <i>The Power of Pretend: How, on Earth, Can You Be a Christian and an Actor?</i><br />
<i><br /></i> WHO the book is for:<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Actors, especially Jesus-loving and Jesus-curious ones</li>
<li>Artists of all stripes</li>
<li>Friends of artists</li>
<li>Any Christian who desires to better unite their faith and their work</li>
<li>The "dearly beloved": those who long for something, and don't yet know it's Jesus </li>
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WHAT the book is about: </div>
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<li>My own journey of trying to be both a serious Christian and a serious actor</li>
<li>An in-depth look at the struggles that Christian actors can face</li>
<li>A dream for acting and the performing arts as they could be, thriving under Christ's direction</li>
<li>An invitation to follow <i>God's</i> dreams for us as artists</li>
</ul>
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WHY I wrote the book:</div>
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<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>To provide others with the resource I could never seem to find</li>
<li>To help myself and others believe that it is possible to be a serious Christian and a serious actor</li>
<li>To expose the unique requirements and unique temptations actors can face</li>
<li>To entice my fellow artists with the exquisite beauty of Christ</li>
<li>To see God bring his kingdom to earth through his artists</li>
</ul>
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HOW YOU CAN HELP: I will be meeting soon with a publishing house to pitch the book, and I would love two things from you, my awesome blog readers:</div>
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1. Prayer</div>
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2. If you are interested in buying the book once it is published, please comment below. It will help me so much with the publisher if I can show that there is already built-in interest in this book.</div>
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Thank you!! I am so excited. I've never written a book before, and I feel like this one has been percolating in my head, heart, soul, and spirit for at least the last fourteen years.<br />
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*If you are having trouble commenting, I found the following advice online; hopefully it works for you: Be sure that 3rd Party Cookies are enabled in your internet browser. You can see a <a href="http://www.ec.kingston.com/ecom/config/EnableCookie.htm" target="_blank">visual tutorial</a> about how to do this.<br />
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com12tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-56273686151832858652018-01-09T21:30:00.000-08:002018-01-09T21:32:25.270-08:00Poem 1/9/18<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I saw an artist on a hill:<br />
Alone she stood.<br />
The wind whipped through her creature hair<br />
And sang through her heart like blood.<br />
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She looked at the hills and the mountain tops far<br />
And the valleys that lay down in crags<br />
And she realized the landscape reflected her soul<br />
And that deep in her soul, she was sad.<br />
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This artist, she sang to the Artist who birthed<br />
Her body and soul and her mind<br />
And her heart that ran after him<br />
Hungry for every fragment of Him she could find.<br />
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Up there, her coming but tarrying One<br />
Seemed to sing her a faint distant tune<br />
With a voice of confident, thunderous weight<br />
And a whisper that said, "I come soon.<br />
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Don't worry, don't waste it, this time you have there<br />
In the valleys and darkness and shadow<br />
For my bride's being gathered, there are hearts yet to win,<br />
Coming radiance none of you know.<br />
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On me, look to me, girl. Just fix your eyes here.<br />
Let the shadows and veil melt away.<br />
I call you, Beloved, my love makes you still,<br />
And it readies your heart for today.<br />
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Tomorrow is coming--I do not delay,<br />
Though the now seems so weighty and vast--<br />
When, at long last, past hoping<br />
You look in my eyes<br />
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And the artist sees Beauty at last."</div>
Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-10438489031837078652017-12-03T14:28:00.005-08:002017-12-03T14:29:21.633-08:00Being Humbled Like a Hug<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">My bro-in-law holding his youngest daughter</td></tr>
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"And all I was trying to do was save my own skin,<br />
But so were you."<br />
-Relient K, "Be My Escape"<br />
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"<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; </span><span style="background-color: white; box-sizing: border-box;">knock</span><span style="background-color: white;"> and the door will be opened to you."</span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white;">-Matthew 7:7</span></span><br />
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I was once warned against asking God for humility because it meant that you would start dropping a lot of things and tripping over stuff and generally making a fool of yourself uncontrollably.<br />
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I think I am being humbled lately, and while it <i>has</i> been extremely painful at times, I am starting to see that it is a lot more like a big hug from my King-Father than like something to fear. I didn't realize how much he loved me, the real me, the one I wanted to change back in 8th grade so that she would feel less invisible and more interesting to the people around her. I still don't get it, and won't until heaven, but God is speaking my language to me and it is changing my heart in humanly unattainable ways. I see him not only healing and reviving my beautiful quiet soul but also quieting me with his love.<br />
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I have built my own shields to try and defend myself from pain, but he has been calling me to seek him--"seek" is the word of the year I sensed him giving me for 2017--and as I do, he has been dissolving my cardboard shields with tenderness and reinforcing the shield of faith that he intends for me to use at all times.<br />
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I sat below the big white wooden snowflakes and among the big white wooden tree-frames and star lanterns in our church gym this morning, singing Christmasy songs and hearing our pastor talk about Joseph's willingness to follow God into the ruining of his earthly reputation. As Pastor Todd talked about Joseph choosing not to do the traditional thing, choosing not to throw the first stone at his fiance when he thought she had broken her vows to him, I thought about the baby whose life he preserved with that decision of love, the baby who would later become a man who would tell the people gathering to throw a stone at an adulterous woman that they should only throw those stones if they were without sin.<br />
<br />
I thought about Mary, a virgin with an empty womb and a willing heart, who gave Jesus a place to live as a fetus. And I thought about Joseph of Arimathea, a kingdom-seeker with an empty tomb and a willing heart, who gave Jesus a place to lie as a dead man. I thought about my humbled heart and my consistent sense that I do not have what it takes to do the tasks he's given me to do. And I saw how all God needs to work in the life of a saved sinner are empty hands and a willing heart, a heart that gives his spirit a place to live. There is room for this savior in the inn of my heart, and that is all God needs to work his mysterious miracles.<br />
<br />
"Nothing in my hand I bring,<br />
Simply to thy cross I cling . . . "<br />
-Augustus M. Toplady, 1776<br />
<br />
I thought about myself, and about my friends, especially those of you whom I love so dearly who are still living as orphans, street-smart but tired and weary and in need of a parent, like me. Looking at myself and thinking about you, I realized that you and I can't drop our sin and the homemade shields we are holding onto for dear life unless we first know God's love, how personal and real and warm it is. We can't drop our defenses and shed our layers and accept love until we know that his love provides us with the life we are looking for.<br />
<br />
Try it; what do you have to lose? Dead skin?<br />
<br />
Seek him. Find him. Leave the orphanage and beg at his door. He is waiting and he loves you.<br />
<br />
This God takes beggars in and adopts them.</div>
Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-70120766387308351112017-11-26T20:08:00.002-08:002017-11-30T06:22:48.313-08:00Like Clay Half-Molded: The Birthday Blog Post<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimMbZbZlAptPlbsEDUerMUFT2vj5Y4WGJYBV_OBsCTZyyY9RqsNYAHe_rnKKFHUP3HrViI9kjBSj-HJncH-5QFrVHAMcbOmxi3ukM6IY68T8Pu5l0wreagLfphLEpW4Ck1Fv1U6q0sCa_y/s1600/21558010_10155109981073460_2039646784008249004_n.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="720" data-original-width="960" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEimMbZbZlAptPlbsEDUerMUFT2vj5Y4WGJYBV_OBsCTZyyY9RqsNYAHe_rnKKFHUP3HrViI9kjBSj-HJncH-5QFrVHAMcbOmxi3ukM6IY68T8Pu5l0wreagLfphLEpW4Ck1Fv1U6q0sCa_y/s320/21558010_10155109981073460_2039646784008249004_n.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
Birthday Blog Post<br />
Year: 2017<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: inherit;"><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818;">“I think this is when most people give up on their stories. They come out of college wanting to change the world, wanting to get married, wanting to have kids and change the way people buy office supplies. But they get into the middle and discover it was harder than they thought. They can't see the distant shore anymore, and they wonder if their paddling is moving them forward. None of the trees behind them are getting smaller and none of the trees ahead are getting bigger.” </span><br style="background-color: white; color: #181818;" /><span style="color: #181818;">-</span><a class="authorOrTitle" href="https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4829.Donald_Miller" style="background-color: white; color: #333333; text-decoration-line: none;">Donald Miller</a><span style="background-color: white; color: #181818;">, </span><span id="quote_book_link_1999475" style="background-color: white; color: #181818;"><a class="authorOrTitle" href="https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/2003288" style="color: #333333; text-decoration-line: none;"><i>A Million Miles in a Thousand Years: What I Learned While Editing My Life</i></a></span></span><br />
<br />
Another year come and gone. When someone asks me lately, "How have you been?" I have a hard time answering. I am guessing, from my limited human perspective, that I am in a season of being refined.<br />
<br />
Why do I say that?<br />
<br />
I see a lot of growth, which is exciting. But I have a feeling that more of the exciting feeling will come later. Right now, in the midst of hope and joy and encouragement and great blessings, it also often feels like I am uncomfortable, in pain, isolated, seeking, confused, scared, angry, irritated, oppressed, battled against spiritually, and sometimes like chunks of me are breaking off.<br />
<br />
I am the clay and he is the potter.<br />
<br />
I am not young anymore, but not old. I am starting to realize my mortality in a whole new way that is very jarring at times, but then I am young enough that people over 50 just laugh when I tell them things like that.<br />
<br />
I have a 3-year-old, and he is both the most adorable and precious little human being, and also the source of much of my day-to-day pain and soul-stretching. The amount of patience that is required to love this little boy in action as well as I love him in my soul is requiring a REMAKING of me that I hope will leave me looking as much like my Savior on the outside as I feel pulled apart and in process on the inside.<br />
<br />
I recently watched the movie <i>While We're Young. </i>I could have done without the stuff that earns it an R rating but loved the nuanced ways it looks at generational differences. A conversational snippet from the film that resonated with me was when Ben Stiller's character, Josh, tells his wife, "For the first time in my life I've stopped thinking of myself as a child imitating an adult," and his wife, played by Naomi Watts, responds, "You feel that way, too?"<br />
<br />
I feel that way, too. Like I am just on the cusp of being a "real" adult.<br />
<br />
I am still getting my bearings in a city that is at once my hometown and an entirely new home. I am not a kid in Austin anymore, and people who were the adults in my life as a kid are more like older peers than ever before. I am in the midst of growing in friendship with people, but it feels like I am a seed that is sprouting but has not yet fully taken shape.<br />
<br />
I am trying to reconcile two strong but seemingly opposing traits in myself--my <a href="http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/">high sensitivity</a> and my high <a href="http://hsperson.com/test/high-sensation-seeking-test/">sensation seeking</a> (see the links for more clarification on these if you're curious). These two parts of me can feel like two different Elizabeths that are easily annoyed with each other. Me, myself, and I are working on domestic relations lately. How can I be a thriving sensitive sensation seeker?<br />
<br />
So, in so many ways, right now, I am in the middle. I am so aware of being on my way, but also not at my destination. I seem to be in a season of waiting, maybe a season where seeds are being planted and growing, but I can't see what the harvest will bring and I just have to trust that the Great Farmer knows what he is doing.<br />
<br />
I think one of the biggest challenges of this season is that it is, in so many ways, hidden to the outside world. Like those planted seeds, I see--when not being lied to by Satan or my flesh or the world--that the work I am doing is of value and great weight, but so much of it is unseen at this stage, and unrealized. I am writing a book that no one but I have read. I am raising a man who is, at this point in his life, still very dependent and living hidden under the sheltering presence of my husband and me.<br />
<br />
I don't know what else to tell you. I don't have a lot of results or conclusions to show for myself right now.<br />
<br />
I hold no blueprint in my hand. I am someone else's. This life is someone else's. And I am learning to recklessly put all of my heart, all of my dreams, all of my doubts, all of my confessions, all I am and have, on this one God. He has to come through, or I am lost.<br />
<br />
Because that is a kind of abandon that is not reckless at all.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-4687034841441696442017-10-12T19:39:00.002-07:002017-10-12T19:39:17.777-07:00Don't Read This Post at the Dinner Table<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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"If you have to go potty,<br />
stop and go right away."<br />
-Daniel Tiger<br />
<br />
I have been working on a book. It is about my journey to try to understand how to live as a Christian and an actor at the same time. I haven't been blogging as much, I think because the book has been getting a lot of my writing energy. But it seemed like tonight was the night to write.<br />
<br />
Now to this post: I wonder if you hear God speaking to you in the little things of your day like I do? Do you notice him when you are brushing your teeth or when you lock the door behind you and the key gets stuck a little in the lock? Because he is in all of those moments, big and grand and epic in the tiniest temporal thing.<br />
<br />
My good friend Leslie recently commented about how I see everything as a metaphor for life. So, true, so true. I just seem to be made that way. I couldn't help but notice, as I've lived along this life, that so many "regular" things are actually symbols for the greater reality behind what we can see. Take the classic example of the butterfly. How many Sunday school teachers have talked about how being saved by Jesus, being brought from death to life, is like a caterpillar transforming into a butterfly?<br />
<br />
Well, I bet you haven't heard this next analogy.<br />
<br />
I can't stop thinking about an everyday occurrence that is also a fantastic metaphor for sin, and that is poop. (Did she just say that?)<br />
<br />
Maybe God has been working in my heart, preparing me intentionally for the specific call to write today's blog post by giving me a toddler who has been potty training with #2 for the last nine months. I am kind of over the ick factor by now--one has to be after handling more poop and plunging the toilet more times than she ever dreamed of.<br />
<br />
I am primed and ready. I shall now share the pearls of wisdom I have been given. (Wow, nothing I write here does <i>not </i>sound like a 7th-grade poop joke right now. I am regressing as I type.)<br />
<br />
Okay, so sin is like poop. For example, did you ever notice how alike the set up of a bathroom stall and a confession booth are? And how the kind of absolute privacy we need for going #2 is the same kind of privacy we seek out for the confession of sins?<br />
<br />
And then think about poop: it is repulsive. You only want to get away from it; you only want to get rid of it. It smells like death, with a scream added in and a slap to the face. Ugh, awful. It makes you feel sick, like your stomach is being jiggled around, just to get a whiff of the stuff.<br />
<br />
Same with sin. Yucky stuff.<br />
<br />
This is, I think, why God is so concerned about purity--in our relationships, in our devotion to our spouses, in our worship of Him. The Holy Spirit, who lives in all Jesus-believers, is described in the Bible as "rivers of living water" (John 7:37-39). Who doesn't want to find some clean flowing water to wash their hands as fast as they can after a toilet run?<br />
<br />
I started thinking about the way we humans like to justify our sin: "Oh, a little won't hurt. It will just be kind of fun." Imagine if someone said that same thing while talking about putting feces (ugh! just the word!) in a glass of water you were about to drink.<br />
<br />
A little goes a long way, my friends, with poop and with sin.<br />
<br />
Or think about a swimming pool, and how there are rules about babies and toddlers wearing swim diapers. If fecal matter is found in a swimming pool, they shut that thing down! Then they shock the pool with chlorine and wait until it is safe for patrons to swim again.<br />
<br />
Imagine you get your bathing suit on, grab your towel and sunscreen, and head for the pool? You are sweating from the heat, and can't wait to jump in and bathe yourself in that sparkling water. You jump in and feel the cool rush of refreshment. You hang out for awhile and then go home with that happy-exhausted feeling you get after a good swim.<br />
<br />
But the next day you get sick. You call the pool, and the lifeguard on the other end says in his best it's-summer-who-cares voice, "Aww, yeah, man. We found some fecal matter in the pool yesterday morning, but we didn't want to have to shut the thing down and make everyone go home, so we just let everyone swim in the pool anyway."<br />
<br />
Gross, right?<br />
<br />
I could go on--I think my adolescent self is loving this blog post--but let me wrap up. Poop is like sin. The next time nature calls you, consider this analogy, my friends. And consider that Jesus's death on the cross was like the ultimate plumbing and sewage system, removing our stinky sins from us "as far as the east is from the west" (Psalm 103:12).<br />
<br />
So, to my fellow potty-training moms, the next time you are tempted to get impatient and short with your toddler, remember how patient and sweet God is while he helps us in the bathroom of our sinful hearts. And the next time you feel tempted to say something like, "Oh that guy? He's just a plumber," stop yourself. Sanitation workers, too, bear the image of God.<br />
<br />
And for ensuring that Jesus will be on your mind, even in the bathroom stall?<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
You're welcome. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-46849963263379314512017-08-25T21:14:00.001-07:002017-08-26T11:54:11.237-07:00Seeing God in a Total Eclipse of the Sun<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">TOTALITY: 1:24 in the afternoon on October 21, 2017</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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"The Earth’s surface provides the best view of solar
eclipses in the Solar System. The Earth’s surface is also the most habitable
place in the Solar System . . . The conditions that make a planet habitable
also make its inhabitants more likely to see solar eclipses."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-privilegedplanet.com<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;">
"Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="font-size: medium;">
-James 1:17</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This last week, our family made the drive from Austin to
Kentucky with part of my husband's family to witness the total solar eclipse. My
father-in-law is really into astronomy and was the catalyst for this group road trip.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As the event got closer, I started praying that God would reveal himself to me through this rare event. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<!--StartFragment-->
<!--EndFragment--></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Quick disclaimer: The following is my best effort at interpreting what God might be showing me. Please test it for yourself against scripture
and, if you are a Christian, against the Holy Spirit's
leading in your own heart. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My purpose on this blog is to allow God to draw us
all closer to Him through my words. Truth is more important to me than always
being right about truth.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>The Moon in the Bible</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Already in my faith journey, God has used the sun and the
moon to speak to me, to reveal himself. He taught me years ago through Psalm
89:37 that the moon is "the faithful witness in the sky". This reminds me of
the way that John the Baptist is described in John 1:7-8: </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"He came as a
witness to testify concerning that light [Jesus], so that through him all might
believe. He himself was not the light; he came only as a witness to the
light."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
If you think about the moon, it is not able to produce any
light on its own, although it appears to glow. It glows because its dead, rocky
surface can "witness" and reflect the light of a star. <span style="font-size: 12pt;">I love how the
Bible describes the moon as the </span><i style="font-size: 12pt;">faithful</i><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> witness. Calling the moon faithful didn't make
sense to me at first, because I thought about how the moon is not always even
visible. It regularly wanes and even disappears completely, in much the same
way as our faithfulness in following Jesus wanes and goes incognito at times.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
But, somehow, our gracious daddy God sees this cycle of
darkening and lightening as faithfulness.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b>The Sun in the Bible</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In contrast to the moon, the Bible seems to compare the sun to Jesus himself:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"For the Lord God is a sun and shield . . . "<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Psalm 84:11<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In John's vision of Christ in Revelation 1:16, he saw that
Jesus's face "was like the sun shining in all its brilliance."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
In Revelation 22, the concluding chapter of the Bible, verse
16 reads, “I, Jesus, have sent my angel to give you this testimony for the
churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the bright Morning
Star.”<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Psalm 89:35-36 says, <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Once for all, I have sworn by my holiness—<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and I will not lie
to David—<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">that his line will continue forever</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and his throne
endure before me like the sun . . . "<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, here, the throne of David is compared to the sun. I believe this passage points to Jesus because he is the
heir to David's throne, and it is because of him that David's line continues
forever. As we saw, Jesus himself, in Revelation 22, said that he was the
"Root and the Offspring of David".<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"He will be great and will be called the Son of the
Most High. The Lord God will give him the throne of his father David . . .
"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Luke 1:32<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p><b>The Total Eclipse</b></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
So, going into the eclipse trip, I started wondering: Why
would God have set up the universe in such a way that the moon, which
represents merely a witness to Jesus, at certain times blocks out the
sun, which represents Jesus? That seemed to me counterintuitive to God's purposes,
how he is always looking to show us more of Jesus and his supremacy.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I was talking to a friend today about our trip to see the
total eclipse in Kentucky. She told me about an important conversation she'd
had with a friend during the partial eclipse in Austin. In that conversation,
she'd suddenly faced her past in a new way. She said that she thought God might be bringing new
levels of healing to her heart.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
As I was listening to
her story, I kept thinking about the lyrics to one of the few songs I've ever heard
that contains the word "eclipse". It is a song originally written by John
Mark McMillan called "How He Loves". These are the lyrics that were
swimming through my head during my friend's story:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"When all of a sudden<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And I realize just how beautiful You are,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
And how great Your affections are for me."*<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I started sharing these lyrics with my friend, and as I
talked with her, I realized that God seemed to be answering my prayer for more understanding of what he wanted to show me through the eclipse. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="font-size: 12pt;">First off, during the eclipse, when the moon completely covered the sun (totality), we were able to take off our solar glasses and look directly at the sun with our naked eyes. This makes me think of 2
Peter 1:16:</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"For we did not follow cleverly devised stories when we
told you about the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ in power, but we were
<b>eyewitnesses</b> of his majesty." (emphasis mine)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I also noticed that, although the moon was blocking the sun, the glory of the sun was not
hindered at all. On the contrary, I was able to see aspects of the sun that I
had never before seen in my life. <span style="font-size: 12pt;">The sun's rays were shooting out like huge white flames of fire
to the right and the left of the black circle of the moon. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It hit me as I was talking to my friend that
those rays around the sun are called the "corona". And then I
suddenly remembered that "corona" is translated "crown"! I
was getting really excited now.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When searching for the word "crown" in the Bible,
I came upon a list of verses, which included the following that talk about
Jesus: <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"'Here [in Zion] I will make a horn [kingly symbol]
grow for David<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and set up a lamp
for my anointed one.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I will clothe his enemies with shame,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>but <b>his head will
be adorned with a radiant crown</b>.'"<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Psalm 132:17-18 (emphasis mine)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"I saw heaven standing open and there before me was a
white horse, whose rider is called Faithful and True. With justice he judges
and wages war. His eyes are like blazing fire, and <b>on his head are many
crowns</b>. He has a name written on him that no one knows but he himself. He is
dressed in a robe dipped in blood, and his name is the Word of God. "<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Revelation 19:11-13 (emphasis mine)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Jesus is the rightful king. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Not only is Jesus the king, but he is also the bridegroom in
the wedding that concludes the epic story of the Bible. The sun, like Jesus, is
referred to as a bridegroom in Psalm 19:4b-5:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"In the heavens God has pitched a tent for the sun.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is like a
bridegroom coming out of his chamber,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>like a champion
rejoicing to run his course."<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
When I searched for the word "crown" in the Bible,
I was surprised to find that it not only talks about Jesus wearing a crown, but
his people as well. He crowns us. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"Praise the Lord, my soul, <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and forget not all
his benefits . . . <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
who redeems your life from the pit<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and <b>crowns you with
love and compassion</b> . . . "<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
-Psalm 103: 2, 4 (emphasis mine)<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Like "a bridegroom", God
crowns us with love and compassion. And, as the "champion rejoicing to run
his course", he also crowns us with glory, honor, and victory:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
"When I consider your heavens, <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the work of your
fingers,<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
the moon and the stars,<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>which you have set
in place,<o:p></o:p></div>
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what is mankind that you are mindful of them,<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>human beings that
you care for them?<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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You have made them a little lower than the angels<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>and <b>crowned them
with glory and honor</b>."<o:p></o:p></div>
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-Psalm 8:3-5 (emphasis mine)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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"Let Israel rejoice in their Maker;<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>let the people of
Zion be glad in their King . . .<o:p></o:p></div>
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For the Lord takes delight in his people;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>he <b>crowns the
humble with victory</b>.<span style="font-size: 12pt;">"</span></div>
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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-Psalm 149:2,4 (emphasis mine)<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b>The Great American Eclipse of 2017</b></div>
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<br /></div>
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Let me take you to the events of the beginning of this week.
<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The day before the eclipse, a group of us went to see an
"Eclipse 101" talk given by Philip Groce, president of Helping
Planetariums Succeed, Inc. Among many other interesting points he made, he said
that eventually, humans will not be able to see total solar eclipses the way
we can today. The reason is that the moon is gradually moving farther and
farther away from the earth, making it appear smaller in the sky. This means that, from the vantage point of Earth, the moon will at some point no longer appear to completely cover the sun.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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This brought to mind John 3:29, where John the Baptist says
about Jesus, <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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"The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who
attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he
hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete. He must
become greater; I must become less."<o:p></o:p></div>
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Monday mid-day, we stood on a hilltop by the beach at Lake Barkley State Resort Park. As the eclipse got closer, the environment around me started to fade
and get dimmer. It was easier to look around without squinting. Everything looked slightly
gold-tinted and washed-out, like I was looking at a 1970s photograph. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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My husband had downloaded an eclipse timer app to his
iPhone. A few minutes before totality, the voice on his app announced that we
might now be able to see shadow bands. From watching <a href="https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qc7MfcKF1-s" target="_blank">this video</a> ahead of time, we had learned that
shadow bands are a visual effect that look like snakes moving on the ground, so much so that children
have apparently tried to reach out and grab them. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
My brother-in-law had put a white sheet on the ground. Sure
enough, as we looked at the white sheet, we started to see what looked like
wavy lines undulating on its surface. <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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Thinking about how shadow bands have been described as
snakes, and looking at the eclipse in terms of the Biblical narrative, I can't
help but think of the way that Satan came in the form of a snake back in the
Garden of Eden. I don't know how far that analogy can be carried, but it is
interesting to mention.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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As the moon steadily made its way closer and
closer to the far edge of the sun, and the crescent sun became a smaller and
smaller sliver of light, suddenly, totality happened. For the first time in my
life, I could take off my sunglasses--in this case, solar glasses--and look
directly at the sun in the sky. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I didn't expect the total eclipse to look so
much like a computer-generated image: a seemingly perfect black circle ringed
by bursting white flames of light. It was hard to believe that what I was
looking at was real.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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I scanned the horizon and saw that there appeared to be a 360-degree sunset. My brain wasn't sure what to make of the scene. I was on the verge of tears. Elation: I think that's what I was feeling.</div>
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<br /></div>
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At the end of totality was the brilliant, bright flash of light that occurs as the sun starts to reappear. They call it the diamond ring effect, and what I could see of it was gorgeous. I was worried that I would be blinded by its brilliance, and hurried to get solar glasses back on my face and my son's face.</div>
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<br /></div>
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The presenter the day before had said that he has seen people weep during total solar eclipses. His reaction to his first one was to suddenly
realize just how out of control he is in life. He stood there in awe, knowing
that there was nothing he could do to stop the events that were in motion.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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On Monday, we shared our suspense and then sheer awe with
the hundreds of people around us by the lake. This event was different from
almost any large group public event I have been to, because we had all come to
witness something that was both inevitable and beyond human capacity. I didn't
see one jaded person in the group, one person who seemed to be thinking, "Oh, been
there, done that." <o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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From the group of super-excited and vocal Puerto Rican
science students who had flown to the States with their teacher, to the theatre
people who I had joined earlier for some sidewalk yoga and snacks, to the guy
who captured a photo of a couple kissing during the eclipse, this event seemed
to be significant for everyone there. Together, as a group of fellow humans, we gazed up into the heavens and cheered from the ground.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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And I can see the champion and bridegroom Jesus, lit up from
the inside, rising up in the morning, barely able to contain himself for what
he knows is about to happen, running his course to the middle of the sky,
waiting in expectation for his "faithful" dirt-made witness of a
church to stand before him and be crowned with the radiant light of his fiery
love. And then, at the apex of this crowning ceremony, he gives his bride a diamond wedding ring.<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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"The heavens declare the glory of God;<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>the skies proclaim
the work of his hands.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Day after day they pour forth speech;<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>night after night
they reveal knowledge.<o:p></o:p></div>
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They have no speech, they use no words;<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>no sound is heard
from them.<o:p></o:p></div>
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Yet their voice goes out into all the earth,<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>their words to the
ends of the world."<o:p></o:p></div>
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-Psalm 19:1-4<o:p></o:p></div>
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*source: www.azlyrics.com<o:p></o:p></div>
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-50846003710226320662017-07-27T22:13:00.000-07:002017-07-27T22:14:49.106-07:00To You Who Are Tempest-Tost<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<i>I am constant, I am near</i><br />
<i>I am peace that shatters all your secret fears</i><br />
<i>I am holy, I am wise</i><br />
<i>I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires</i><br />
<i>Your heart's desires</i><br />
-Jill Phillips, "I Am"<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i>...and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.</i><br />
-Matthew 7:8<br />
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
<i><br /></i>
I think it's time to write because I am feeling broken, and I have found that God seems to speak through me even more when I am not sure what to say.<br />
<br />
Lord, I humbly ask for words.<br />
<br />
I have been doing a lot of self-understanding and self-compassion work lately (see last blog post). I am someone who is considered by many who meet her to be more vulnerable than the average person on the street, but these layers I am looking at lately are even deeper than my usual depth. I am being shown some of my blind spots, areas of my life that have kept me from understanding just how much Jesus loves <i>me</i>, Elizabeth, and how deeply adequate the reality of that love is.<br />
<br />
I am trying to learn to listen to myself more. So, that's both exciting and scary.<br />
<br />
I am trying to figure out my place in acting, which seems to be the struggle of the decade . . . s for me. But even tonight, as I walked back to my car from watching some live theatre with my cousin, and found myself in the old, familiar mental struggle, trying to use all of my analysis skills to uncover my life's calling, I heard a different, whispering voice in my head.<br />
<br />
I felt the dirt of the parking lot brushing my cheeks and chalking up my feet, and I looked up at a clear, black sky. In that sky, straight up ahead was the Big Dipper, a reminder of steady things that are bigger and more enduring than me. To my left was a crescent moon, made clear and sharp by the cloudless air. And inside me, knowing that one of my native languages is movies, the way a good daddy knows his daughter, the Holy Spirit's whispering voice reminded me of a scene from <i><a href="https://www.blogger.com/The%20Matrix%20script%20source:%20http://dc-mrg.english.ucsb.edu/WarnerTeach/E192/matrix/Matrix.script.html)" target="_blank">The Matrix</a></i>.<br />
<br />
It is the scene shortly after Neo has been unplugged, freed from the machine-dominated system he has always unknowingly lived in, and he is laying on a bed in the real world, surrounded by members of the rebel group who have been freed from the matrix and are trying to free other people.<br />
<br />
Neo has acupuncture needles all over him and can't seem to move his body, and Morpheus, the rebellion's leader, sees the question in his eyes.<br />
<br />
Morpheus: You're muscles have atrophied, we're rebuilding them.<br />
Neo: Why do my eyes hurt?<br />
Morpheus: You've never used them before.<br />
<br />
<i>Neo looks confused.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Morpheus: Rest, Neo, the answers are coming.<br />
<br />
I walked through that dusty parking lot tonight, seeing the ancient constellations and the moon that Shakespeare dubbed "inconstant" but which God calls "the faithful witness in the sky". And that movie scene came to mind, and the voice that this sheep knows said to me something like,<br />
<br />
"You don't have all of the answers you are seeking yet, Elizabeth. This is a process. But I am with you, here, now. You are okay. And you are doing great work! You have made such progress through hard things."<br />
<br />
It wasn't an audible voice, more like an impression made deep in my heart's core, which is often what the Good Shepherd's voice "sounds" like to me. And it calmed me. And it answered a question I didn't know I was asking: "How do I find a port in this storm?"<br />
<br />
This year, I will be serving on the steering team for our Mothers of Preschoolers (MOPS) group, and I was asked to lead a 5-minute devotional for our steering team retreat. In the devotional, I ended up reading Emma Lazarus's poem, "<a href="https://www.poetryfoundation.org/poems/46550/the-new-colossus" target="_blank">The New Colossus</a>", which she wrote to raise money for the building of the pedestal at the base of the Statue of Liberty:<br />
<br />
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<i>Not like the brazen giant of Greek fame, </i></div>
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<i>With conquering limbs astride from land to land; </i></div>
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<i>Here at our sea-washed, sunset gates shall stand </i></div>
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<i>A mighty woman with a torch, whose flame </i></div>
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<i>Is the imprisoned lightning, and her name </i></div>
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<i>Mother of Exiles. From her beacon-hand </i></div>
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<i>Glows world-wide welcome; her mild eyes command </i></div>
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<i>The air-bridged harbor that twin cities frame. </i></div>
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<i>“Keep, ancient lands, your storied pomp!” cries she </i></div>
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<i>With silent lips. “Give me your tired, your poor, </i></div>
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<i>Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, </i></div>
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<i>The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. </i></div>
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<i>Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, </i></div>
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<i>I lift my lamp beside the golden door!"</i></div>
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Then, in that MOPS devotional, I pointed my fellow mighty women to the ultimate colossus:</div>
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<br /></div>
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<i>I am the door. If anyone enters by me, he will be saved and will go in and out and find pasture. The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly.</i></div>
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-John 10:9-10</div>
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<br /></div>
Recently I was in New York and I wandered into a beautiful Episcopalian church I'd never been in before, near the Reservoir in Central Park. It is called the Church of the Heavenly Rest. I ventured to go in because the door was open and there was a sign out front welcoming passersby in to pray. I loved that open door policy. I had always seen that kind of thing in movies, people going into churches by themselves to sit in a pew and connect with God in a visceral way. How wonderful.<br />
<br />
I found a spot in a pew somewhere in the middle and sat down. I looked up at the blue hues in the stained glass around me, and at the central figure in this artistic masterpiece of a structure inside which I was sitting: a figure of Christ above the altar, standing there with a shepherd's crook tucked under his left arm and with his right arm outstretched as if reaching out to connect with anyone looking at him. <br />
<br />
I started crying as I felt the Shepherd speak to his sweet lamb, "Elizabeth, what a privilege for you to be here, sitting here, in New York, this city that you love, with the Statue of Liberty you spoke to your sisters about standing proudly out there in the harbor. I want to remind you, here and now, that I am the door."<br />
<br />
I walked out of that church in a state of . . . otherworldliness.<br />
<br />
I am broken, but not crushed. I am perplexed, but not in despair. There is a Daddy. He is the door. He walks through storms and they listen to him when he tells them to stop. He knows what he is doing, with me and with you, so specifically, down to the minute, the second, the millisecond.<br />
<br />
And this daddy door says,<br />
<br />
<i>Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.</i><br />
-Matthew 11:28-30<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I dare you to knock.<br />
<br />
<br /></div>
Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-41295222938219696012017-05-30T12:48:00.000-07:002017-05-30T12:48:02.079-07:00Self-Compassion Comes From God's Compassion<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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I am in coaching right now, and my coach is holding me accountable to work through exercises regarding self-compassion.<br />
<br />
The <a href="http://self-compassion.org/exercise-3-exploring-self-compassion-writing/" target="_blank">most recent one I did</a> involved writing about what imperfections make me feel inadequate, and then writing a response letter to myself from the perspective of "an unconditionally loving imaginary friend".<br />
<br />
The exercise is all about self-compassion, but I realized that what really needs to happen is for me to take Christ's perfect, undeserved compassion for me and apply it to myself. You see, I don't deserve compassion on my own, but it is given to me willingly by a perfectly loving artist God and was won for me forever on Jesus's bloody cross.<br />
<br />
I did the first two steps of the exercise a few days ago, and I just went through step three, which asked that I read the letter I wrote to myself. I thought it might be worth sharing with all of you. I ended up writing it from God to me, because he meets the requirements of "an unconditionally loving imaginary friend", except that he is not imaginary at all.<br />
<br />
And his grace and compassion are as real and personal for you as they are for me. I love you all, to the best of my feeble ability. May this letter bless your heart.<br />
<br />
<br />
My dearest Elizabeth, <br />
<br />
You are lovely. I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. I have bought you; I have won you. You are mine. And there are no stains on my bride! My death and resurrection have covered you. Your sins are forgiven.<br />
<br />
I love the way that you want to follow me, want to please me with your life. I love that you allow yourself to be open and vulnerable to me and to others, and how, because of that, I am able to give you the great pleasure of being an instrument I play to woo my creation with sweet notes of love, back to myself. You have no idea how stunning you are, or how proud I am of you. I cannot wait to be reunited in heaven with you and your precious brothers and sisters. You are mine. Never forget that.<br />
<br />
You want to be free, and I want that for you, too. Please remember that these things take time. You cannot unlearn your sin in a day, or even in a decade. But I ask you to trust me. Trust me to work in you to will and to act in order to fulfill my good purpose, as you, my dear one, continue to work out your salvation with fear and trembling (Philippians 2:12-13). This is not easy. These are deep and complex knots. <br />
<br />
Be patient with yourself. You do not yet have all of the answers, but you have me, your friend who sticks closer than a brother. You may be alienated from your brothers because of your sin, but you are never too much for me. I am your dear, sweet savior and the Prince of Peace. One day all of this will be reconciled. You will not be alone forever, and you are, in fact, not alone now. You feel alone, but my Spirit is in your heart. Others can see it. <br />
<br />
I am so glad that you have received the friends I have sent you, welcoming them into your heart and honoring me by how you have been careful to treasure their hearts, too. I have spoken through them to you, giving them my eyes to see my majesty in you, the majesty of your inherited royalty. <br />
<br />
You are never alone. Never alone. You are always seen. You are always heard. Not one of your tears falls to the ground, wasted. I collect them all in my bottle (Psalm 56:8). I give ear to your groanings and you are not generic; you are a specific, intentional creation of mine, part of the body of believers. <br />
<br />
I love you. This, too, shall be made right. Trust me, my girl. Stay close to me and trust me. I know what I am doing with you.<br />
<br />
Love,<br />
Your Father, Yahweh<br />
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What is God whispering to your heart today?</div>
Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-27074332498690431212017-04-14T17:01:00.001-07:002017-04-14T17:01:02.494-07:00What It's Like to Be Highly Sensitive: An Introduction<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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"I were but little happy if I could say how much."<br />
-William Shakespeare, <i>Much Ado About Nothing</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
"You've been crying."<br />
"Beauty does that to me."<br />
-<i>An Affair to Remember</i><br />
<br />
"Their happy is too loud."<br />
-<i>We Bought a Zoo</i><br />
<br />
"Jesus wept."<br />
-John 11:35<br />
<br />
<br />
<br />
I am an HSP.<br />
<br />
What is an HSP, you ask? It is a "highly sensitive person", as defined by Dr. Elaine Aron, the pioneer for research on the trait of high sensitivity. You could also say, like Kelly O'Laughlin of <a href="http://highlysensitiveperson.net/">highlysensitiveperson.net</a>, that HSPs are "people who experience the world intensely".<br />
<br />
I recently rented and watched Dr. Aron's documentary, the first of its kind about this trait, called <a href="https://sensitive-theuntoldstory.vhx.tv/buy/sensitive-the-untold-story-1" target="_blank"><i>Sensitive: The Untold Story</i>.</a> I ended up showing it to my husband the same day I watched it myself. The film ends with Dr. Aron saying that what she wishes for HSPs is that they would start speaking up about this trait.<br />
<br />
So, here I am.<br />
<br />
The movie, as well as Dr. Aron's website about high sensitivity, summarize the trait by these four characteristics:<br />
<br />
1. Depth of processing<br />
2. Easily overstimulated<br />
3. Emotionally reactive<br />
4. Sensitive to subtle stimuli<br />
<br />
For more information on the above aspects of the trait, <a href="http://hsperson.com/pages/1Aug13.htm" target="_blank">this article</a> is a good one to check out. If you are curious about whether you might have the trait, there is a handy self-test on the website that you can find <a href="http://hsperson.com/test/highly-sensitive-test/" target="_blank">here</a>.<br />
<br />
For me, learning more about the trait of high sensitivity has been a real decoder key for understanding a lot of the hard things--and wonderful things--in my life. Understanding this trait is definitely a process for me, but I am excited about all that I am learning, and so thankful for Dr. Aron's research. I have also been chain-listening to Kelly O'Laughlin's "The Highly Sensitive Person Podcast", and listening to her podcast has given me the hope that maybe it is okay to say that this thing is real and that there is a way to live with it, and to even thrive with it, and most amazingly, to ultimately utilize it to serve the world.<br />
<br />
What is it like to be a highly sensitive person? Well, looking back, for a lot of my life, it has made me feel different or weaker or less than. But I also see that much of the beauty and insight I am able to bring to the world also come from the same trait.<br />
<br />
Let me give you some illustrations of what I am talking about:<br />
<br />
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>Looking back, I realize that two of the biggest emotional injuries I have received and had to really work through in my life were probably directly related to the fact that I am highly sensitive and was being lovingly corrected by someone who is not. We just didn't speak the same language, and they didn't know that to me, "a touch is a blow, a sound is a noise" (taken from a quote by Pearl S. Buck about creative minds). What they meant for loving discipline was felt by me as an overwhelming, unloving hurricane of words and emotion.</li>
<li>I have tried to explain to a few people in the past that for me, so many things in life--people, good words, experiences, images, sensations--are full of meaning. The picture in my head of this is of me walking up to a stone and touching it, and as I touch it, color and light and information and meaning immediately explode from the stone, and my face lights up in the glow of all of these new revelations and ideas.</li>
<li>I remember one night when my husband and I were missionaries in China, I stood on the roof of our apartment complex and looked out over our town, and just felt so overwhelmed by the needs of the Chinese people. I knew I needed to express the burden I was feeling, but my empathy for them went beyond words. So I stood on that dusty roof that night and sang a song I knew about God giving us his heart for people, and I imagined that song being sung over everyone I wanted God to reach, and I think I remember asking him to accept it as a prayer and to use it.</li>
<li>As an actor, I have a hard time separating myself from the characters I play. </li>
<li>As a person, I have a hard time not sponging up the moods of the people around me. </li>
<li>There was this one time as a kid when our youth group or Girl Scout troop paid a visit to a cemetery. We were there to do grave rubbings or something. At some point, I separated myself from the group and just walked alone, in this otherworldly state of mind, contemplating the weight of life and death. The other 11-or-so-year-old girls in our group came up to me and were like, "Are you okay?" and I had no idea how to explain what I was going through. That is one of many experiences that I don't know how to explain except in poetic language (one big reason I am still writing this blog after almost seven years). </li>
<li>Along those lines, a lot of my inner life just does not fit into casual conversation. When I am talking to someone, I am much more interested in and attuned to the essence of who they are and where they are in life than to the image they are wanting me to see of them. I sometimes feel like I can see through people. This is why, as an actor, discussing a character's <a href="https://www.google.com/search?q=subtext&rlz=1CAACAG_enUS614US617&oq=subtext&aqs=chrome..69i57j0l5.1270j0j7&sourceid=chrome&ie=UTF-8" target="_blank">subtext</a> can feel so natural to me.</li>
</ul>
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Disclaimer: The list above is my attempt to describe a little bit of what it is like to be an HSP, but it is possible that some of the above overlaps with other aspects of my personality type. I am also trying to understand my spiritual gifts, and so some of the above could reflect those aspects of who I am as well. With that said, I believe it is helpful to share these experiences, which I believe are at least in part related to the trait of high sensitivity.</div>
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Do you think you have this trait? Or do you think someone you know might be an HSP? I would love to hear from you guys. </div>
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As with the recent rise in the understanding of <a href="http://1sliceapplepie.blogspot.com/2012/09/i-am-introvert.html" target="_blank">introversion</a>, I am excited that the trait of high sensitivity is finally being identified and discussed. I feel like I have been waiting for decades to understand myself in this way.</div>
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Most of all, I am curious to see what God has to say about why he made me this way and what he wants to do with it. I am starting to believe that as he continues to heal me from the wounds of this trait, he will also continue to bring out his kingdom power in my life. This is truly exciting stuff. </div>
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-39154565138375029042017-04-06T20:21:00.000-07:002017-04-11T19:52:06.275-07:00My Whole30 Experience<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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<br />
Hello, Blogosphere. Greetings.<br />
<br />
It has been over a month since I last wrote to you, and that means that I haven't talked to you all yet about my <a href="http://whole30.com/" target="_blank">Whole30</a> experience. I did the Whole30 with my husband, my toddler son, and my parents, and Day 30 was two days ago. We are now in the last phase of the plan, where you reintroduce food groups one-by-one.<br />
<br />
<i>The what now?</i><br />
<br />
If you aren't familiar with the Whole30 nutritional reset, it is a plan of eating only real, good food for 30 days and cutting out any of the foods that the creators of the program, Dallas and Melissa Hartwig, have determined may possibly be taking away from your optimal health.<br />
<br />
Basically, this plan has taken me to a new level of being the real life, crunchy, foodie hippie Austinite that I was destined to be when I moved to the capital of Texas at the impressionable age of 6 months old. And I like it. Well, I am still working out the kinks, but I also have loved the journey so far.<br />
<br />
As part of the experience, I read the Hartwigs' book, <i>It Starts With Food: Discover the Whole30 and Change Your Life in Unexpected Ways</i>. I took avid notes, as I do.<br />
<br />
<i>How does the Whole30 program decide which foods are "good foods"?</i><br />
<br />
The Hartwigs propose four good food standards:<br />
<br />
Good foods . . .<br />
1. promote a healthy psychological response.<br />
2. promote a healthy hormonal response.<br />
3. support a healthy gut.<br />
4. support immune function and minimize inflammation.<br />
<br />
I learned so much about the complexities of nutrition and the effect of foods on our bodies by reading this book. For example, I had heard of "systemic inflammation" but never really understood why it was such a big deal.<br />
<br />
<i>How do you do a Whole30? </i><br />
<br />
Here is an outline of the rules: For 30 days, you commit to eating<br />
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<li>meat</li>
<li>seafood</li>
<li>eggs</li>
<li>vegetables</li>
<li>fruit</li>
<li>natural fats</li>
</ul>
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<br /></div>
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AND for those 30 days, you commit to NOT eating</div>
<div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>sugar (other than naturally-occuring sugar in the foods above)</li>
<li>alcohol</li>
<li>grains</li>
<li>legumes</li>
<li>dairy </li>
<li>baked good or "treats"</li>
<li>sulfites</li>
<li>certain additives: carrageenan, corn starch, MSG, soy lecithin, sulfites</li>
</ul>
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<br /></div>
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<i>So...what were the results?</i></div>
<div>
<br /></div>
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Here is a list, in no particular order, of the benefits I have noticed so far (working largely off of the "Whole30 Non-Scale Victories!" list found in <i>The Whole30: The 30-Day Guide to Total Health and Food Freedom</i>):</div>
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<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>ate a lot of delicious food and lost 10 pounds</li>
<li>flatter stomach</li>
<li>muscles show more, and fat seems to have diminished</li>
<li>look younger (at least <i>I </i>think so!)</li>
<li>less bloating</li>
<li>less joint swelling </li>
<ul>
<li>This one is a big deal for me because I've had major knee injuries in the past, and still deal with the repurcussions</li>
</ul>
<li>more optimistic</li>
<li>feel empowered, and enough so to start looking for <i>other</i> healthy changes I can make </li>
<ul>
<li>next up: I am working towards doing <a href="http://bemorewithless.com/project-333/" target="_blank">Project 333</a></li>
</ul>
<li>fewer sugar cravings </li>
<li>a crazy new sense of control over my food, instead of the other way around (less of a slave to cravings)</li>
<li>fewer carb cravings</li>
<li>the ability to start getting to the root of my cravings, asking myself what I am really looking for and going to Jesus with those desires, while also seeking legitimate ways to actually meet those desires</li>
<ul>
<li>my cravings often seem rooted in a desire for comfort or for a feeling of fullness/wholeness </li>
</ul>
<li>improved body image</li>
<li>improved self confidence</li>
<li>higher productivity</li>
<li>clearer thinking</li>
<li>fall asleep more easily</li>
<li>sleep much more soundly, and with less insomnia </li>
<ul>
<li>exception: for a phase of the Whole30, I was actually waking up regularly in the middle of the night, but seemed to be fine the next day</li>
</ul>
<li>energy levels are more even throughout the day</li>
<ul>
<li>less of a mid-day energy slump</li>
</ul>
<li>more energy to exercise/started exercising more</li>
<li>more energy to socialize</li>
<li>less need for snacks </li>
<ul>
<li>this depended on what I'd put on my plate at the last meal</li>
</ul>
<li>I am outside more</li>
<li>I thought I knew how to read a food label, but now I am like a food label reading ninja!</li>
<li>learned a ton about nutrition and about what constitutes healthy eating</li>
<ul>
<li>and now this information, which differs in some important ways from what I was taught in the past, has been backed up with some personal experience</li>
</ul>
<li>eat to satiety, instead of feeling like I am having to always hold back on eating too much because I am afraid of gaining weight</li>
<li>no longer afraid of dietary fat</li>
<ul>
<li>my body is now "fat-adapted"--burning fat as fuel--according to the literature</li>
</ul>
<li>feel like a much<i> </i>better and more artistic cook</li>
<li>have a much greater ability to not use food as a reward, comfort, and/or stress manager</li>
<li>have a better sense of how to tell between real hunger and a craving</li>
<li>have healthy coping strategies to deal with cravings</li>
<li>more variety, color, vitamins, and minerals in my diet</li>
<li>food, for the most part, no longer has unwanted "side effects"</li>
<li>almost no food guilt or shame</li>
<li>a whole new skill set regarding how to shop for "good food" in Austin</li>
<li>a whole new skill set regarding how to order "good food" at a restaurant or plan for a road trip</li>
<li>doing this program together has brought my family closer together</li>
<li>discovered that peanut butter seems to give me a headache</li>
<li>seeing a healthy domino effect: </li>
<ul>
<li>starting to look at our household products and consider natural alternatives</li>
<li>watching documentaries about food and learning many new things</li>
<li>people are bringing up food conversations with me a lot, and I am seeing how community can be formed around healthy lifestyle choices</li>
</ul>
<li>much greater empathy for people with food sensitivities and allergies</li>
<li>greater awareness of others' restricted diets</li>
<li>a renewed hope for the improvement of lifestyle-related health conditions in the people around me</li>
<li>setting my son up for nutritional success starting at an early age:</li>
<ul>
<li>he stopped drinking apple juice all the time, and actually started sometimes asking for water</li>
<li>he is eating all kinds of new vegetables and fruits</li>
<li>he actually talks about liking such "non kid food" items as salad and grapefruit</li>
<li>he doesn't seem to have the typical kid sugar cravings anymore--he actually saw his friend getting a cookie the other day, and ran away, disinterested</li>
</ul>
</ul>
<div>
A couple of kinks:</div>
<div>
<ul style="text-align: left;">
<li>I <i>way </i>overspent on our grocery budget last month</li>
<ul>
<li>I am giving myself grace, assuming there is a learning curve to eating well and being thrifty at the same time</li>
</ul>
<li>I have spent a <i>lot </i>more time in the kitchen</li>
<ul>
<li>I have actually loved this time of becoming a much better chef, while</li>
<li>at the same time, I am intentionally looking for ways to make this way of life more schedule-sustainable</li>
</ul>
</ul>
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My plan is to eat differently from here on out, to actually allow the Whole30 to change my life. That will take working out the kinks, and it doesn't mean that I will never eat chocolate again. I am not sure yet what it looks like. As we are going through the food group reintroduction phase, I will continue to learn more about how I want to eat going forward. </div>
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For one thing, I am much more aware of the ways that sugar sneaks into <i>everything</i> and really messes with our health and our ability to exercise control over our bodies. (If you want a wake up call about this, check out the documentary <i><a href="http://sugarcoateddoc.com/" target="_blank">Sugar Coated</a></i>, which can currently be watched on Netflix.)</div>
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If you want to know more, I am happy to talk about this stuff. It has been such a journey. </div>
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Because I am me, I want to end by talking about what has been most important to me on this Whole30 journey, and that is the spiritual side of the journey. I believe God has been using this experience to answer prayers of mine for healing and for help with temptations. Learning about--and practicing--good nutrition with my physical food has helped to loosen some very difficult knots of sin in my life.</div>
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Most importantly, Whole30 has brought me closer to God. It has been a tool for sanctification in the hand of a God who loves me so dearly that he only wants good things to go into me. </div>
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-6613952655912815849.post-82379970608247202152017-02-05T13:52:00.001-08:002017-02-05T19:00:02.049-08:00I Want to Be The Greater Fool<div dir="ltr" style="text-align: left;" trbidi="on">
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This morning in church, I started thinking about a phrase I was introduced to on the tv show <i>The Newsroom.</i> My family can tell you that I (and then my mom and I) binge-watched <i>The Newsroom</i> this last fall. It is written by Aaron Sorkin, who writes incredibly intelligent dialogue meant to be delivered at high velocity by incredibly intelligent characters.<br />
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The phrase I had in my head at church this morning was "The Greater Fool". Over the course of the first season of the show, Will McAvoy, the anchor for <i>News Night</i>, a fictional news program, has been on a trajectory to stop trying to please people and to start living by his principles, whether that is good for the show's ratings or not.<br />
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In Season 1, Episode 10 of the show, <i>New York</i> Magazine has just printed an article about Will's new style, calling him "the greater fool", saying things like, "One CNN producer remarked, 'It's almost as though McAvoy is unaware of how ridiculous he looks..." Will is deeply offended by the write-up and has started to question whether he should even stay in his job.<br />
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At the end of the episode, a wicked smart economist and fellow anchor for the network, Sloan Sabbith, comes to Will as a friend. She knows how much his attempts to do the right thing are costing him, and she uses her knowledge of economics to speak into his feeling that he should maybe just hold back and play it safe:<br />
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“The greater fool is actually an economic term. It’s a patsy. For the rest of us to profit, we need a greater fool—someone who will buy long and sell short. Most people spend their life trying not to be the greater fool; we toss him the hot potato, we dive for his seat when the music stops. The greater fool is someone with the perfect blend of self-delusion and ego to think that he can succeed where others have failed. This whole country was made by greater fools.”<br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit;">Why was I thinking of a quote from <i>The Newsroom</i> during church this morning? Because I think God is transforming me more and more into his greater fool. The kind that is not full of "self-delusion and ego" like Sloan Sabbith described it, but rather a fool who knows for a fact that I am small and God is the biggest thing ever, and he has saved me and given me his power to do good and truthful things. God's kingdom, it seems, is made by greater fools.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">My sophomore year of college, I shared a room with my good friend Leslie in Hart Hall, the last non-air conditioned dorm on Texas A&M's campus. We thought that it would be an adventure. I covered our door and the mirror over our sink in quotes that would assault me with truth every time I walked into our room or stared at my reflection. One of the quotes on our door was from 2 Samuel 6:14: </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">"...David danced before the Lord with all his might..."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">In 2 Samuel, David is bringing the ark of God to Jerusalem, and as it comes into the city, David is "leaping and whirling before the Lord" to the point that his wife, Michal, "despise[s] him in her heart". When Michal confronts David about how he has been acting, he defiantly tells her, among other things, </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: small;">"...I will celebrate before the Lord. And I will be even more undignified than this, and will be humble in my own sight."</span></div>
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In John 4, when Jesus meets a woman at a well in Samaria, he reveals to her not only that he knows her history with men and that he is the promised deliverer that she and her people have been waiting for, but also that God is looking for a certain kind of worship:<br />
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"But the hour is coming, and now is, when the true worshipers will worship the Father in spirit and truth; for the Father is seeking such to worship Him. God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth."</div>
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In my training as an actor, I learned a lot about being open and vulnerable to your onstage acting partners and to the audience. Not only that, but also that good acting requires a full body, totally focused, completely present-in-the-moment way of being that is powerful for both the actor and the audience. In acting class, I found myself wondering why the way we are in our "normal lives" often feels so much less human than the way we were learning to be on stage. </div>
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In "normal life", we seem so guarded, so small, so closed off and tentative and unavailable to others, in comparison to the way we were with each other in acting class. And that was both frustrating and inspiring. </div>
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There is something about throwing your voice out there--speaking like you mean it, or singing like you are shouting, like you are really trying to communicate your inner soul--that is both terrifying and absolutely freeing. How many situations do you find yourself in in which you feel like you can really express everything that is inside you?</div>
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I think there are harmful places to fully express yourself. Depending on what we are expressing, and to whom, we can form bonds that shouldn't exist or hurt people unnecessarily. That is a different blog post.</div>
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But there is one place I know that I can fully express every facet of my being, every doubt or complex, indescribable emotion, every deep, deep joy, every thing inside me. That place is with Jesus. I can shout out my innards to Jesus. </div>
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But I forget that fact--my sin makes me look around the congregation on Sunday in jealousy or pride, my self-consciousness takes over and my throat gets tight and I can't sing my heart because I am afraid of other people thinking I'm showing off, or that I don't sound good, or that I'm being distracting.</div>
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But somehow, for awhile at church this morning, I went into "open" mode, the way I was taught in acting class. I sang along with the songs, fiercer than my fears. I believed that God has not "given me a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love, and of self-discipline" (2 Timothy 1:7). I shouted out the lyrics of truth to my God with a forward sound and crisp diction, not hiding, but exposing my soul to my maker. I might have even sounded kind of bad. And it was amazing. </div>
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And I sensed that for a while, I got to experience his presence in an astonishing way. After the opening song time, a video played and displayed the words of the Apostles' Creed, a statement of belief that I have probably said 1,000 times in my life. But this time, as I sat with my spirit and my palms open, every line held power and new insight and a sense that I was touching the divine and the everlasting that are found only in my God.</div>
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I think that maybe God is making me his greater fool, more willing to be ridiculous for him, to embarrass myself because of who he is. He seems to be using my acting training, and a Beth Moore Bible study, and little nudges from his Holy Spirit, and my word of the year, and so many other things, to say, "Wake up, Elizabeth. Who knows what I can do with you if you are willing to look foolish and feel stupid for me?"<br />
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I want to worship in spirit and in truth. I want to go no holds barred with this life because it really doesn't come down to my reputation. My reputation doesn't tell me who I am; Jesus's death and resurrection did that.<br />
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I'll let God's word close this post out. 1 Corinthians 1:20-25 seems apropos:<br />
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"Where is the wise person? Where is the teacher of the law? Where is the philosopher of this age? Has not God made foolish the wisdom of the world? For since in the wisdom of God the world through its wisdom did not know him, God was pleased through the foolishness of what was preached to save those who believe. Jews demand signs and Greeks look for wisdom, but we preach Christ crucified: a stumbling block to Jews and foolishness to Gentiles, but to those whom God has called, both Jews and Greeks, Christ the power of God and the wisdom of God. For the foolishness of God is wiser than human wisdom, and the weakness of God is stronger than human strength."<br />
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Elizabethhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15583430569047519088noreply@blogger.com2