I Am Not the Star

I am not the star.  And that is how it should be.

I am in a show right now--a fantastically fun, jazzy 1920's musical called Thoroughly Modern Millie.  And it is good to be back on stage.  And it is hard to not see my husband very much.  And I am not sleeping like a normal person anymore.  But I like it anyway.  There is something great about getting your gifts out there, about creating with other people who love to create.

The last two shows I was in, I played more straight, young wife kind of roles.  But this show is a change-up from all that; I am pretty much a different person every time I'm on stage.  In a way, I like the chance to not get too attached to one character.  I love playing a good character arc, but I still haven't learned to not get so involved in the process that my heart breaks when the show's over.  So this is a nice break from that kind of angst.

In Millie, I am in the chorus, and I also play two featured roles: a silly southern girl who discovers she is now an orphan and is promptly shipped off to Asia by an evil innkeeper, and Dorothy Parker.  At first I thought it would be hard to play a character who had actually lived, but it hasn't been too bad because I am only in one scene as Dorothy Parker, and also, I realized something about supporting characters: the story's not about me.  So, if I just focus on my role in the main character's life, on my purpose in her story, then I know how to do my job.

To explain, this show is about Millie, and, as I see it, my purpose as Dorothy Parker is to represent high society and to publicly humiliate Millie into thinking she'll never belong with my kind.

This a lot like life.

Yes, life is about publicly humiliating others.  The end.

No, what I mean is, I am not the main character.  God is the main character, and I am one supporting character.  Since the show--life, the universe, what have you--is not all about me, I don't have to support the weight of it all, I don't have to "have the weight of the world on my shoulders", so to speak.  Instead, I just have to focus on playing my little role, try to figure out what my function in the story is, and work for that objective.

And you know what?  Even when I screw up my one little role, which I do every day, often by trying to upstage the star (Jesus), that very star forgives me and brushes me off and helps me to do better.  You see, He is also the director and the producer and my audience of one, and oh, yeah, he gave me my talents to begin with.  They aren't even my own!

I had an acting teacher in New York who told us that great acting involves not only working hard at a performance, but also "holding it lightly".  By this, he seemed to be saying that the greats are the ones who invest themselves fully in a part, but don't let that part dominate them.  They are craftsmen who also know how to not put too much pressure on what they are creating.  They can walk away. They are, in some way, free of the character.

I am learning more about that as an actress right now, in part because I am realizing a truth: everything I have, including the ability to sing, to act, to dance, are gifts I have received.  Like Jesus told his disciples (Matthew 10:8, the Bible), freely I have received, so freely I give.  I am just a steward.  I have nothing to boast in but Him, and Him alone.



I am not the star.  And that is how it should be.





*The photo above is of me backstage at A Christmas Carol last December.  I don't have pictures yet of me in Millie.