Transitions Are Blurry

"'Tis grace hath brought me safe thus far,
and grace will lead me home."
-John Newton

I thought I should check in. I have been trying to write a book, but we just moved into our first house ever and things have been crazy and I am feeling stuck on what direction I want to take the book, and I want to write. I want to write to all of you. Welcome here. Thanks for reading.

I am in a bit of an upheaval at the moment, maybe a sort of identity crisis, after having graduated with a masters level degree in theatre/acting and now two months into my new life as a stay-at-home mommy, wondering what step to take next.

We had a good Sunday School lesson last week from one of our church's pastors, Todd, who reminded us all that our identities do not rest in anything except who we are in Christ. I have heard--and said--this sort of thing many times, but it is a reality that easily gets quieted or confused in my brain.

To clarify his point, Pastor Todd had us take a neon pink slip of paper from the middle of the table, write, "I am..." at the top, and then make a list of all of the different ways that we could finish that sentence. I dove in. I like writing.

"I am...

• a creative
• a daughter
• a mommy
• a wife
• a friend
• an actor
• a writer..."

We kept writing for a minute or two and then Pastor Todd explained where he was going with this exercise. He asked us to consider how our identity changes if one of these identifiers is taken away from us. If "I am an athlete," and I get injured and can't play anymore, then who have I become?

Pastor reminded us that we should never define ourselves by saying, for example, "I am a swimmer," but instead by saying, "I am a child of God who swims." This was a good reminder for me. I am not "an actor" or "a mom", but I am a child of God who acts and I am a child of God who has a child. 

Back to the present mood: I have been feeling overwhelmed lately. For example, I didn't know how hard it would be to install a curtain rod. I thought I could just watch a Youtube video and be on my merry way. But as it turns out, walls of houses are full of all kinds of unexpected pieces of metal and very hard wood that fight back when you try to drill holes into them. 

A couple of weeks ago, I eagerly attacked my first Rosie the Riveter girl power project in our FHE (first house ever), eager to make my FHE look like all of the beautiful "after" pictures in my new Young House Love design-on-the-cheap book. The project was to install curtains in my 2-year-old's room. I got to work, and by about 45 minutes in, I think I was scaring my mom with my explosive outbursts of frustration. I ended up sitting on the living room floor, looking at this new house, and crying at how overwhelming it all was. (Stopping for pizza made it better, by the way.)

Not only is this first-time home buyer thing kicking me in the pants, but I am finding a crazy disparity between all of the intelligent banter on my current favorite tv show, The Newsroom, and my daily conversations with my toddler. As proof I offer up this comparison to you: 

Quote from The Newsroom: "For the rest of us to profit, we need a greater fool, someone who will buy long and sell short."

Quote from my day today: "Where did the choo choo train go? Behind us. Behind us. We passed it. The choo choo train is behind us."

See the difference? It is easy in my new life as a stay-at-home mom child of God who is staying home with her son to feel that there is 80% of my brain that is not being used. And I see all of these big, complex issues in the world, and I want to add to the conversation, and yet, that can not be my focus for much of my day. And when I do have time, I am tired and just want to be able to have one consistent train (not choo choo) of thought for longer than 20 seconds. 

Also, Chris and I have done a lot of big moves, and I am finding myself in that phase of a big move which we shall call The Lonely Phase. It is the phase in which you have not really established your social networks and you have not had time to put down deep roots. And, although I am from Austin, and although I know many people here, and although it has been like a dream to live close to my parents after so many years away, I have never lived in Austin at this stage of life before, as the Elizabeth I am right now. And that is kind of lonely at a deep level of my heart.

But you know what? My husband took the initiative to be the friend I needed this evening. He listened without offering advice, and he just let me cry. And he prayed for me and held me. And that was very good. 

And I texted a dear, dear friend for prayer support, and she ended up calling and giving me the kind of chat that only a dear, dear friend can give you. And then, on top of it, she prayed the kind of prayer that a dear, dear friend can pray for you, adding in little encouragements about who I am and how she values me and our friendship. And that was very good.

And tonight, when I was putting my son to bed, and we talked to God together, telling, God, "You're awesome! You're amazing!" and then when I was singing "Amazing Grace" to him and scratching his little blonde curly head, and he was doing his new thing of singing along after me, I got a sense that this investment I am making in this little guy is making an eternal impact. And that was supernaturally good.

"God saw all that he had made, and it was very good." (Genesis 1:31a)

I have to trust that every moment of every day is on purpose, that I am not forgotten or shelved like the little voice of accusation in my head says, that nothing is wasted. And I want to trust that whether I ever feel like I have a sense of what He is doing, what He is doing is what is best. 

Because even the fact that you are reading this right now is not an accident. 

And that is very good.