And then there are times when you just have to write...

I wrote this seriously in about 5 minutes. It's not really edited or as polished or as tight as the other entries, maybe, but it is my raw heart on the page. Very much like a diary entry. Please handle with care, dear blog readers. :)


The other day, I had lunch with a woman who is a business connection, and it's funny, she was a really good listener, and it turned out to be part mentoring lunch, part business lunch. Actually, much more mentoring than business.

She was a good listener and she observed me and tried to see me as I talked, and actually cared to know me, and that allowed her to get to the truth--she helped clarify something about me just by listening and noting her observations.

I was telling her about my struggles over acting and the entertainment world, and I could tell that I was getting lost in what I was saying. Actually, I was getting lost in it, so I didn't notice how much in my element I was until I stepped back mentally and went, "Wow, this is what I get animated about. This is where life is touched in me, the core of who I was made to be."

I was telling her about my experiences as an aspiring actress in New York, and how frustrated and confused I would get about the lack of guidance there is out there on how to protect yourself as the actor when you are willingly giving yourself over to be the character.

I was being taught how to act, how to make sure the character was believable. There was all kinds of character work involved in the actor's training I received, and I found myself being led into territory I did not think was good for me, like talking about finding energy centers in your body.

But the thing is, there was very little said about how to do self work. I mean, when you are willingly giving yourself over to be another person, willingly making their mistakes, committing their sins, and binding yourself to the relationships they have, you are venturing out into very powerful, double-edged territory. And if you do not watch it, that character will end up playing you in your own life instead of the other way around. That character will seep into you. And there wasn't much education about how to protect yourself.

And the woman with whom I was eating lunch looked at me and said that maybe that is my work to do. She seemed to be glimpsing my soul as I opened my heart up to her a bit more than I was planning to, and then looking me in the eye and pointing out what my work here on earth seems to be. She said that maybe that is something I can teach to other actors--how to protect yourself when you step out into the wilderness of a character. But I think I need to find the answers for myself first.

Oh, Lord, guide me. I do NOT want to miss out on why you put me here. Not at all, not down to the smallest smidgen. And at the same time, you are my Daddy, my Abba, and of course you care about me living out my intended purpose more than I do!

Oh, please help me when I get jealous of people who are out there and seem to be making it. I think any confidence I had in my acting ability was severely shaken by the rejection I encountered in New York, the intimidation of competing in that market, and the talents and confidence, and yes, arrogance, of others. Maybe this time is a blessed time of preparation? Oh, watch my step, that I don't assume anything because of what I want so badly!!! But maybe, just maybe, you are giving me this time to build my character as well as hone my craft. I would love for both to happen.

And I believed myself when I told my friend on the phone that I would love to act in Hollywood, but I am not ready right now. My character needs to be equal with my career, or I will run into serious trouble.

Daddy, you know my deepest desires, the places in my heart where the fire rages. And I trust you with those longings. You have not ignored one iota of me, but are intensely engaged with me, passionately in love with me, captivated by me, and




you know what to do.