My name is Elizabeth, and I am a hater.

"Unaware--I have been unfair
I've been unfit for blessings from above
But even I can see
The sacrifice you made for me
To show that I have never been unloved"
-Michael W. Smith

Man, if my marriage has convinced me of anything, it is how much I need Jesus...and that he wasn't kidding when he decided that I needed saving from my sins.

My name is Elizabeth, and I am a hater.

How many times have I apologized to my husband, only to then ask, "Are you sorry, too?" like repentance was some kind of bargaining chip? How many times have I expected him to make me happy, to make the hole inside me whole, to cover my shame...when he could never lift that load and was never meant to?

How many times have I asked him to be Jesus because I was too scared or lazy to go to Jesus for real? And how much has that hurt my man, my permanent boyfriend?

How much has that hurt Jesus, my lover like no other?

1 Corinthians 13 describes love like this:

Love is patient
Love is kind
It does not envy
It does not boast
It is not proud
It is not rude
It is not self-seeking
Love is not easily angered
It keeps no record of wrongs
Love does not delight in evil
But rejoices with the truth
It always protects
Always trusts
Always hopes
Always perseveres
Love never fails.


Let me make this my public confession as a wife: Without God's power (the Holy Spirit) making me want to be loving and making me want to literally slay myself in order that He might make me live, this is me:

I am impatient
I am unkind
I envy
I boast
I am proud
I am rude
I am self-seeking
I am easily angered
I keep a record of wrongs...a detailed one
I delight in evil
I do not rejoice with the truth
I always hurt
I always doubt
I always despair
I always give up when it gets hard
I always fail.


Now, it could easily sound like I'm beating myself up here, but I am just trying to be honest in hopes that you might know that you're not alone.

What's the cure? I've tried mentally whipping myself for this evil in me, guilting myself, withdrawing from people so they won't see it, trying to win my friends' pity for how hard of a time I was having (when it was really me causing my own suffering), covering it up with makeup or talent or churchy-sounding words or self-righteousness or pride. But, where did this leave me? Worse off than I was before. Not changed in the least.

This girl is SOOOO glad that there are all kinds of pathetic characters like me in the Bible. Here's Paul, one of the Bible celebrities, talking about himself. I totally get this guy:

"So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!"
-Romans 7:21-25, The Bible

When I tell God about my struggles, and ask him for help, he doesn't blow me away like I expect him to. He tells me how precious I am to him. He reminds me that I am a princess--because He is the King and he adopted me as his daughter.

And you know what? As I keep praying to him, praying and really meaning it, praying hard like loving well really is the battleground that it is, I start to change. He changes me. He reminds me that, because He's given me the ability to believe that He died and rose to save me, that He doesn't judge me any more for the bad things I do--I have a new identity.

As I pray and run to him like a scared kid, He starts building my strength as a love warrior! (Sissies can't love well--have you figured that out yet?) And he does save me out of my sin in practical ways as I keep running to him helpless and telling him how much I can't love without him.


What a good God for a hater princess like me.