The Servant Actress

Romeo and Juliet outside the Delacorte Theatre, NYC, November 2012

When you hear the word "actress", what other words come to mind?  

Star?  

Beautiful?  

Talented?  

Arrogant?  

Beguiling?  

Self-centered?  

I am guessing you didn't think of the word "servant".

My friend Mary Beth (who has a wonderful blog) and I were chatting a couple of days ago over coffee about acting.  I was telling her how, for a long time, it seemed like my performing--my acting, singing, and dancing--was like a question.  I was asking the people around me if I was worth something.  I was trying to get something from them.  I needed them to answer this question, needed it like air.

But at the same time, several strands of my life were braiding themselves together:

1. I went to a counselor who told me that her mission was to help me "find my voice".

2. I seemed to be hearing from God that He wanted me to stop asking everyone else who I am and start asking Him, and that he would tell me wonderful things, things I couldn't even have imagined.  Things that would fill up the needy hole in my soul.

3.  I read the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge.  It talked about how we women have a question at the core of our beings:  Am I lovely?  Or, put another way, do I captivate you?  And we usually take this question to other people (often men), when really that will only break our hearts.  I'm paraphrasing here, but the point was that you should take your question to Jesus, because he is the only one who was meant to answer it.  And only an answer from Him will satisfy.*

4. I read Counterfeit Gods by Tim Keller.  He talked about how we go to things like power and money for our worship, wanting them to fill us up, when really, the only worship that is right and will work out well is worship of God.

5.  I have had a long struggle when it comes to acting and singing and performing in general, and the struggle is hard to explain, but here's what it has felt like:  Like I was a slave to my passion for artistic expression.  Like that need to act, to sing, was controlling me, and not the other way around.  Like I have been a surfer who is viscerally drawn to the allure of conquering that big wave, and yet the wave has kept pummeling me down into the water, capsizing me and turning me around and around so that I can't find the surface anymore.  I know I am getting vulnerable here, but I am hoping it's worth it, because I am guessing there are things in your life to which you have this kind of relationship, too.


Over time, I could sense that instead of asking the world a question with my art, God wanted me to take my questions to Him, to ask Him: Am I lovely?  Do you love me deep deep down to my core, really?  Will you stick with me, no matter what?  Am I enough?  He wanted me to get the answers to those questions from Him by praying, reading my Bible, and asking for His help to believe the answers.  Here is a sample of the truth He gave me in response:

"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb."  (Psalm 139:13, emphasis mine)

As I soaked in that verse, and the rest of Psalm 139, I started to find some very real answers.  Man, I thought, if God was the artist who created this weird, hard to understand, but beautiful person that I am, then I can trust He did it on purpose!  And I can trust that He is there with me, in the deepest cave of my heart, sitting with me and loving me exactly how I need to be loved, speaking the exact words to me that I need to hear, like some hero from a movie.


Lately, I was thinking through why I like to perform, and what I have been learning about it.  I wrote it out, and here's an excerpt:

What do I want as an actor?  As screenwriting guru Robert McKee puts it, I want to be part of "good stories, well told".  I strive for excellence, sincerity, and heart when I act.  And I want to serve audiences.  It's not about me.  

This idea that it's not about me is freeing me from my slavery.  As I am learning (slowly) to approach a performance as a servant, not as a potential star, I am beginning to meet with the strength and confidence I need to surf on top of the wave.  I am starting to find release for these gifts that have been under my skin for so long, gifts I know He has put there, and given me a passion to use.

With my deepest questions answered by the Lord, I am free from the process of setting my heart on top of the altar of human approval, only to be mangled.  My daddy tells me who I am, and keeps showing me just how completely I am loved.  And He even forgives me when I do bad, forgives me when I run to my friends with my deepest questions instead of Him.

My art stops being a question, and starts to become a statement, a giving out, a service.  And because I am no longer looking to my fellow artists, the directors, and the audience to give me something (approval, affirmation), I am free to give them something.  And therein lies deep, soul satisfying joy.

I am definitely not perfect at this yet, but I am learning, gladly learning.  Learning that God is my life, and that acting is not.  And that, when I remember that, I can act with my whole heart like I've been wanting to.  Strangely, when I know that there is more to life than acting, I can throw myself into my art like never before.  I have more freedom to be vulnerable and take risks.

I am finding that there is both safety and courage in being a servant, and that the idea of stardom is really a trap that leads you into danger.  And you know what else?


I am starting to find my voice.







*According to the book, Captivating, the question men need answered is, "Do I have what it takes?"