Stressed? Maybe You Are Just Blooming.

So, an update on academia: Wow, is grad school not for sissies!

You think you love theatre, and then you get thrown into theatre as this all-consuming lifestyle of studying its history, singing and being critiqued, (making attempts at) acting Shakespeare and being critiqued, learning new dialects sound-by-sound, writing papers about theatre, memorizing a new monologue at the rate of one or two a week, writing quizzes about theatre, grading assignments about theatre, lecturing about theatre, talking about theatre...

...and you find that it is starting to feel more like work than fun.  And you wonder if that is the point of grad school.  This is about becoming a professional after all, and the word "professional" connotes work.

Also, you find yourself using words like "connotes".

With this in mind, I want to share a few of the many things that have helped keep me steady over the past couple of months of hyper-thespianism.  

1.  I remember my sister sharing this Bible verse with me once from Job.  Now, I haven't seen many inspirational cross-stitched wall hangings of verses from the book of Job.  But when life feels uncomfortable, even painful, verses about pain can be just the hope you need.  Here is the verse:

"Though he [God] slay me, yet will I trust Him."  -Job 13:15b

That, in my eyes, is beautiful faith.  I need to read more of Job to remind myself of the grander context of this verse, but man, "Though he slay me, yet will I trust Him."  I realized partway into being here that some of my lack of peace was because of this lie I was believing beneath the surface.  I dissected the lie, and here it was,

"Things are hard, so God must not love me as much."

When I saw this lie for what it was, I was able to remind myself of his love, and pray that he would help me understand it.

Sometimes, you see God reiterating a lesson he's been whispering to you, and that happened in the form of a mini-miracle last Thursday night. I had seen posters up at my apartment complex for a "Ladies' Bible Study" and when I saw that it was being hosted by the girl directly across the breezeway from us, I figured that might be a sign.  

And something interesting happened in her living room.  We got on the subject of God showing himself in hard times, and I talked about some of the stress I'd been going through, and lo and behold, the Bible study leader mentioned that they'd been studying Job at their church over the summer.  I could almost hear the drumbeats start rolling.  She seemed compelled to share a certain verse they had learned, and guess what one verse she picked out to share?  

"Though he slay me, yet will I trust Him."  -Job 13:15b.

"Wow, God, you're great," I said in my head to him, with a little smile, I'm sure, spreading across my face.

2. "Elizabeth, you are a flower."  It was something I thought I heard God saying to me earlier this year.  Now, a disclaimer on this:  It's hard to be 100% sure I've heard God's voice, and I've misinterpreted it before, but I tried to stay open, prayed for direction, and waited see how that idea might flesh itself out over time.

And the image of a rose came into my head again recently.  It's easy for me to get impatient with myself, being a driven, perfectionistic oldest child and all, hard on myself by habit.  

But if you get impatient with the growth of a rose, like I can get impatient with my progress as an actress or my growth as a Christian, and you start to pry that rose open with your own hands, you damage the rose.  Same with a heart.  

You have to lovingly allow yourself time to grow, like a gardener would with a rose.  Beauty takes time.  And, "He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end."  -Ecclesiastes 3:11

3. My husband, Chris.  He has been patient and listened and supported me and let me cry and bought Blue Bell ice cream, and just generally been sweet.  Thank you, second best friend!

So why do we have to go through hard times, times when our instinct is to run but wisdom says to stick?  I certainly don't have all the answers, but this Malcolm Muggeridge quote I included in a blog post in April helped me again today.  Also, I've been remembering this great verse in the Bible that is one of my go-to verses for stressful times.  It always seem to infuse my pain with purpose, and somehow, when I know there is meaning behind hard times, I seem to be able to tap into a hidden store of strength.

"No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it."  -Hebrews 12:11

I am already getting little peeks at that harvest, little corn-golden glimpses of hope and new things being done in my heart.  And looking through those little hope windows, the pain starts to seem worth it.  

Dare I say, I even feel kind of thankful for the struggle.