My 2015 Word of the Year

"...his life had declined in earthly validation all the while ascending in the stuff that really matters."
-Don Miller, Scary Close

"He must become greater; I must become less."
-John the Baptist, John 3:30




Expecting one word to change your life is a tall order.

But that is the promise made by the Bible reading plan I downloaded to my iPhone last month. I am not big on making New Year's resolutions. I do, however, like the idea of praying and asking God for a word of the year, which is what the "One Word That Will Change Your Life" study on the YouVersion Bible app prompts you to do.

I did this study last year, too. My 2014 word of the year was "open". It was an interesting choice, as 2014 was the year our first child was born. Having a baby certainly taught me to be more open. Not only did my skin stretch, but I learned to be more willing to serve, taking care of my cute little son's needs, but also learning in the process to serve my husband better. And from there, learning to serve other people better in general.

So, this year, I downloaded the plan to my phone again. The idea of the study is that you don't choose the word; God does. Like last time, I wondered if God would actually answer my prayer for one specific word to shape my year.

I prayed and then, as I stayed alert for God's answer, I started thinking my word might be "humility". I wasn't sure I liked that word, and I asked for confirmation. And there seemed to be at least three times that the word "humility" came up in the next couple of days, so I took that as direction, and accepted my fate.

Humility.

Sooo fun to get that as God's word of the year for you, right? I thought, "Great, what's this year going to look like?" I also wondered whether I should even blog about this, because it doesn't take a trained psychologist to figure out that if my word is "humility" then there must be some pride I need to deal with!

The funny thing is that I have seen humility lessons dropping repeatedly across my path since then, and instead of experiencing it as my Heavenly Father taking a hammer to me, it has seemed more like He is opening the door of a prison cell I have been straining against for years, hand outstretched, offering me freedom at last.

In Mere Christianity, C.S. Lewis describes humility this way: “True humility is not thinking less of yourself; it is thinking of yourself less.” And thinking of myself less is pretty awesome, actually. I am practicing it in little ways, like trying to look at myself in the mirror less, or intentionally catching myself if my mind starts wondering, "What did that person think of me?" or "What did I think of me there?"

I am seeing this humility thing affecting my work as an actor. I am in a directing class this semester, and I only have a small amount of previous directing experience. And the experience of leading a rehearsal, of being able to get outside of the scene and shape it from that vantage point is helping me to realize something new.

It's easy as an actor to do what a friend of mine calls "navel gazing", to focus only on yourself. It is easy, as you work to improve, to focus more and more inward, to nitpick and criticize yourself and take other people's feedback to heart and look closer and closer at your own work, trying to change it and make it better. But, in doing this, I have been missing the larger perspective of the whole story--missing the forest for the trees.

I am realizing that actors serve the story. We are not the point; the story is. This makes it easier to take criticism. I am starting to see criticism as simply a measure of how effectively I am telling the story, not as a value judgment on my worth.

Humility has a detangling effect. It is so easy to tie up your worth as a person with your performance. It's like wearing a long scarf while trying to fly one of those old timey planes with the big propellers. The scarf (my worth) keeps getting tangled up in the propeller and keeping it from flying. But if my focus is on the telling the story well, and not on myself, then criticism isn't personal, it's just a guide to tell me how effectively I am telling the story.

I am excited about this year of humbling.


*****


As a side note, two books have recently helped me learn about humility in powerful ways. One is Scary Close by Donald Miller, which centers on becoming more vulnerable in your relationships so that you can learn to truly connect with others.

The other book is a small sized volume that packs a powerful punch. My friend Molly let me borrow it. It is Timothy Keller's The Freedom of Self Forgetfulness.