One Year Closer to Him
Happiness courts thee in her best array."
-Friar Lawrence, Shakespeare's Romeo & Juliet
This birthday, I want to say that I like where I'm at.
I have God to thank for that, plus a whole network of friends, family, mentors, authors, teachers, directors, and fellow strugglers he's used as his ears, eyes, and heart in my life. If it takes a village to raise a child, it takes seven to raise a woman. And my community keeps raising me back up as I learn to reach back out and raise them up, too.
A year ago, I was much more confused about myself than I am now. I've learned to see the fear that has had such a loud voice in my life. I'm learning to bring that fear to Jesus. And in response, he's showing me just how tender and sweet and intimately connected to me he wants to be.
I recently got very vulnerable with a couple of actor friends--way more than I'd planned to be. Wow, was it painful. Wow, was it good. One of the many things I revealed to them about my insides was that I'm like a girl walking around without skin. I yearn to connect with everyone and everything around me, and I'm also exquisitely sensitive. I told them that if they see me with my hands over my heart in rehearsal, it's because my heart feels like it needs to be held.
What I didn't tell them was the most important part of that heart holding. When I have my hands pressed against my chest, attempting to keep my tender heart from falling out of its protective cage, Jesus lets me know that he is holding my heart.
I told these actor friends that my sensitivity seems to be both my greatest asset and my greatest struggle. One of them asked with kind curiosity what made it an asset. I said that, because my heart is so out there, it invites other people's hearts to come forward, too. Reflecting on his question, I see that, even more importantly, my sensitive, tender heart is sensitive to God's tender heart.
Jesus is the best thing I know. I want that to be public. I also want to say publicly that you don't have to agree to be my friend. Love is stringless. But I won't stop talking about God. What kind of friend doesn't share good things with their friends?
It's becoming clearer and clearer that he is the one thing I can't lose and the most precious treasure I have. I'm seeing that everything that's good about the here and now on this planet is good with his goodness. I'm tasting the richness and power of the narrow but abundant path he invites us all to. I'm passionate about the work I'm doing and I'm actually starting to find my footing after many years skidding on stones.
And at the same time, I know I'm not home yet. I'm a citizen of an unknown, mysteriously gorgeous kingdom. I'm immensely grateful for this last year's chapter, but I also know the happy ending is still ahead.
So, on my birthday, as on many days lately, I'm telling God,
"One day closer to you."
Comments
Post a Comment