"Can you die of happiness?"

Scrooge (Karl Krause) & Ghost of Christmas Past (Melissa Starkweather)

I don't know how to explain it, and I've been here before.  I use that quote from Pride and Prejudice (2005) in the title because I can see Jane Bennet in a candlelit bedroom sharing her deep and overwhelming joy with Elizabeth, and it seems like the best way to describe where I am at at this very moment.  So happy I am sad and feel ready to burst, and like no one in the world could understand me or meet me where I'm at.  Maybe no one in the world can--maybe that place in my heart is reserved for someone else alone.

I just came home, dropped my bags, and came to the computer, ready to bare my soul.  I had to write.

Tonight was our first dress rehearsal for A Christmas Carol.  I am aware of the fact that my heart is even more visible on my sleeve than usual, as we are at the end of an exciting, stressful and sleep-deprived tech week in preparation for the opening of the show.  Still, with that disclaimer firmly in place:  As someone who understands things best when they are presented to her visually, and as someone to whom God has always spoken deep truths through theater, and as someone who is surrounded by people in this cast for whom she cares more deeply than she knows how to express,

I am floored.

I truly do not know where to go with my emotions right now.  It's like in the movie An Affair to Remember, when Deborah Kerr is getting misty eyed and Cary Grant is asking her why, and her only possible reply is, "Beauty does that to me."

What beauty am I talking about?

The character arc that Karl Krause as Scrooge takes from hardened, bitter man of business to gleeful, childlike human, humbled and eager to love.  The nuanced performance my friend Seth gave tonight as Ben, in which I could read at times evil, at times heartbreak, at times sickening sadness.

The brilliantly simple portrayal of Mr. and Mrs. Cratchit by my dear friends Robert and Tamara, understated but truthful to the point of bringing tears to my eyes.  Oh, that Cratchit family!

The chance to serve the younger girls in the cast, whether that be by hanging up their costumes on a clothes rack they can't reach, by listening to their stories, or by connecting with them onstage.

The symbolism I see in the movement of set pieces.  The delight I take in donning a silky red dress with hoop skirt, bloomers, and petticoat below, and then swishing down the hallway in it.  I feel like a little girl invited to her first party.

The transformation I go through as I somewhat painfully (thank you, bobby pins) fit my red wig to my head, and then look into the brightly lit mirror to see that I have become Charlotte once again.  It was a nightly process last year, and I just put that wig on tonight for the first time in eleven months.  There were still white plastic flecks in it from some backstage snow fights last year.  (Sorry, Paddy!  I do realize the dangers of dead animal snow.  I solemnly swear I do.)

The chance to partner with Cody, playing Charlotte to his Fred, working hard in sync to bring the party scene to life, talking backstage about the undergirding story of our characters' lives, or just getting to know Cody better as a friend.  He is a friend worth having, and I am grateful for the chance to work with him.

All the little moments that make up this stage story--Victoria's face as she sings, Cathy's nose-scrunching mirth as Mrs. Fezziwig, Steven's hearty laugh...I'm doing it again.  A list of things I'm thankful for that will surely leave someone out.

Suffice it to say that I am humbled and overwhelmed to be a part of this show.  Thank you, Ed.  Thank you, Paddy.  Thank you, Jeremy.  Thank you, Jesus.





I didn't see it coming, but apparently this post has just turned into a sales pitch.  If you want to spend a delightful evening journeying through a Christmas story that is often told, but with good reason, come out and see our show:

American Theatre Company's A Christmas Carol, playing at the Tulsa Performing Arts Center's Williams Theater, December 6-23.

We open next Thursday!

Here's the link for tickets.