You are not my obsession.

Sunrise at Acadia National Park, September 2012

Obsession is an interesting thing.  I believe we're all made for it.

There is within me this need, a deep, pulsing desire to fully throw all of myself at something, at someone.  I often feel like I'm too much because of this desire, like I feel too much, want too much, dream too unrealistically large.

But, as a girl following God, I read this in the Bible:

"He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the hearts of men; yet they cannot fathom what God has done from beginning to end."
(Ecclesiastes 3:11)

Eternity in my heart.

Yes, that resembles what I am feeling.  A sense that the world is broken somehow, grey when it should be rainbow-colored.  Disjointed where it should be whole.  Everyday, when it should be glorious.

Eternity, I want you.

I've tried to throw my heart out to the people I love, as if it was a compliment, and maybe it was.  It's like saying, "I like you enough to give you my whole heart."  But this has left me broken and disillusioned and suspicious of certain love songs on the radio.  Also, I think this heart-as-shotput approach has hurt my friends and my relationships with them.  I know that when other people do this to me, I feel weighted down by it, fully aware that I can't meet their expectations.

It's funny how we think it flattering to idolize someone, like celebrities, when really, we are hurting people by doing this, both ourselves and our heart-created idols.

I can't bear the weight of being someone's idol anymore than you can bear the weight of being mine.  I have been unfair in my flattery.  And I see God gently and steadily and surely freeing me from this, as if he is meticulously untying a big, jumbled knot in my heart.

There's a nugget of biblical wisdom that has been on my mind a lot lately:

"Though your riches increase, do not set your heart on them."
(Psalm 62:10b)

I always took this to refer to money, as in, "Don't get obsessed with your money."  But the way I am built as a person, this message never really got to me in a visceral way.  I've started realizing that "riches", to me, mean people.

I've set myself up for heartbreak time and again by asking too much of my friends, not out loud, but in my actions and in my true, inner desires.  I have wanted them to fill the hole in me, to make up for what is lacking.  Like in the movie Jerry Maguire, where the deaf lovers are in the elevator, and the guy signs to the girl, "You complete me."

I think this is why, as an actress, being in a show has so often left me feeling bereft.  But that's another post for another day.  I've too much to say on that score.

Here's the picture that comes to my mind:  My friendships are a table.  My heart is a heart.  I take my heart in my hands and stand there, looking desirously at the friendship table.  And God is there, too, with that daddy look in his eye, saying, "Even though I am giving you a lot of beautiful friendships, sweet Elizabeth, don't put your heart on that table.  Give it to me!  I love you, child.  And I am the only one who knows what to do with it."

And over and over again, I have been too afraid to trust Him with this heart of mine.  I've stubbornly put my heart on that table, and every time, eventually, a table leg has broken, my heart has fallen to the floor, and it has shattered like crystal on concrete.

I never made the connection until just now, but it's rather interesting that the very next sentence in the Bible gives me a reason to hand my heart over to my daddy for safe-keeping.  I referred to this verse in a post a month ago, and here it is again:

"One thing God has spoken,
two things have I heard:
that you, O God, are strong,
and that you, O Lord, are loving."
(Psalm 62:11-12a)

My heart vitally needs those two things wrapped up in one person: love and strength.  Love alone sounds milk toast and weak, and strength alone could crush me.

But my heart in the hands of a daddy God who is big and strong, while also sensitive and kind?



I have found my new obsession.